Tales of the Gravel Wars
by The Wild West Pyro
Summary: Just a fun collection of Stories I wrote about the Gravel Wars between RED and BLU, and eventually their team up against the Robots.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1: True Stories of the Gravel Wars

An introduction from the CEO of Mann Co, Mr. Saxton Hale.

SAXTON HALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLE!

(Gigantic Pencil Smash!)

YES! THE NAME'S HALE, SAXTON HALE! I HAVE THE FANTASTIC HONOR OF WRITING THE INTRODUCTION TO THIS ALDRENALINE FUELED BOOK! SOME STORIES TELL THE UTTERLY THRILLING MOMENTS OF THE MERCENARIES. OTHERS TELL STORIES ABOUT ONLY ONE CLASS.

BUT ANYWAY, I GUARANTEE THAT THIS BOOK WILL PROVIDE YOU WITH EXCITEMENT AND A TASTE OF WHAT THE MERCENARIES ARE LIKE.

FOR THE BOYS, THIS COMES WITH A FREE EAGLE TO ENTERTAIN YOU! FOR GIRLS, THIS ALSO COMES WITH PHOTOS OF THE MEMBERS SO YOU CAN LOOK AT THEM AND SWOON LIKE A BOSS!

NOW READ THIS THING!

(THIS JUST GOT SIGNED BY SAXTON HALE!)


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2# True Stories of the Gravel Wars

Meet the Scout  
June, 1968, Well ( Control Point)  
A garage door opened, revealing four mercenaries. The Soldier stood with his Rocket Launcher poised. The Demoman had his Grenade Launcher ready. The Medic stood at the back with a Syringe Gun. And the Scout crouched down in the front, with his cap and headphones. He held his Scattergun, and quickly observed the area.  
The BLU Sniper was observing the base with his Hitman's Heatmaker. The BLU Spy was smoking. The BLU Engineer was grabbing metal for his Sentry Gun, and the BLU Soldier was teaching the BLU Pyro how to juggle properly.  
The Scout smiled, pumped his Scattergun and ran out of the building.  
The BLU Engineer spotted them, hit his Level 1 Sentry with his Southern Hospitality and watched it fire. As the Soldier, Medic and Pyro attacked the BLU Engineer, the Scout ran through the hail of bullets and ran towards the base instead.

He quickly took out his Pocket Pistol and started spamming bullets at the BLU Heavy who was standing over the ruins of the Engineer's Sentry. Soon, the Heavy fell.

The Scout dodged the rockets from the BLU Soldier's Original and a blast of flame from the BLU Pyro's Degreaser, then he leapt onto a roof, firing his Scattergun behind him. The BLU Pyro and BLU Soldier followed him, jumping across the roof.  
As the Scout ran into the tunnel, the two BLU mercs ran after him until a freight train ran them over. The Scout ran as fast as he could, and got to the other side without getting run over. He switched to his Bat and ran up the stairs.

He swung hard, bashing the BLU Demoman, drinking out of his Scottish Handshake, down the ramp. He bashed the respawned BLU Sniper, who dropped his Hitman's Heatmaker and fell onto the top of a train rushing by.

The Scout switched to his Scattergun and started to cap the point.

" AWESOME!" he thought.

He was, for once, capping a point all by himself.

" LOOK AT ME, MA!"

Then a knife was at his throat.

" WHAT THE F-"

" Mentlegen."

He turned around and growled at the sight he saw. It was that slippery, backstabbing, sneaking, no good, dime a dozen scumbag idiotic Frenchie!

The Scout knew exactly what the Spy planned to do. He'd backstab him, then he'd go back to Boston, kill all his brothers and burn down their car repairing shop, then go home, act nice to his mother, and over time, abuse her! He'd hurt her and one day, even blast her in the head!

" STAY AWAY FROM MY MA! I KNOW WHAT YOU WANT TO DO!"

The Spy chuckled.

" If you do, you won't be alive to tell her!"

" AARRRRGH! STUPID! STUPID-"

The Scout grabbed his Bat and started smashing the Spy.

The Spy tried to defend himself with his Knife, but the Scout dodged the stabs and slashes.

Then the Spy looked down and screamed.

" MY SUIT! YOU ARE GETTING BLOOD ON MY BEAUTIFUL SUIT! MERDE! MERDE! MERDE!"

" SHUT UP! I DON'T GIVE A CRAP ABOUT YOUR FRICKIN SUIT!"

" I AM GOING TO G- NO!"

The Spy had his skull caved in, got shot with the Pocket Pistol, blasted two times with the Scattergun, then fell off the point and was hit by a train.

Meanwhile, the BLU Soldier, Demoman, Heavy, and Medic were running to their point.

" OUR CONTROL POINT IS BEING CAPTURED."

" Move, Maggots, Move!" screamed the Soldier, pointing his Shotgun at the entrance.

Meanwhile, the eight members of the RED Team ran towards the point.

" GET ON POINT!"

" CRUSH THOSE MAGGOTS!"

" BLOCKHEADS!"

Then the point turned red.

" AH DIS IS BAD!" yelled the BLU Heavy.

A few minutes later, the BLU Team members ran around as they were attacked by bullets, grenades, fire, syringes, rockets and melee weapons.

As the BLU Heavy and Medic were run over by a train, the Scout walked towards the smashed body of the BLU Spy and bent down, smacking his head with his Bat.

" LOOK AT YOU! YOU LOOK LIKE YOU RAN THROUGH TRAFFIC!"

June, 1968, Granary  
After he'd finished beating up the BLU Pyro, Soldier and Sniper, The Scout blasted a back door open and went down some stairs. He jumped on a crate and started to run across the crates.  
Then he froze.  
The BLU Heavy was sitting on a BLU control point, chomping on a Sandvich next to the body of the dead RED Heavy who has been blasted in the head several times, and a lead- riddled Sasha. Natascha was next to the BLU Heavy, who was only armed with his Fists and the Shotgun stolen from his RED counterpart.

The Scout hopped down onto another crate and poked the Heavy with his Bat.  
" Yo, What's up?"  
The Heavy looked up. Then Scout tried strangle him with his bat, making the Heavy drop his Shotgun.  
" AARGH! AARGH!"  
The Heavy freed himself and swung a huge fist at the Scout.  
"YAARGHHHH!"  
" Aaaaahhhhh!"  
The Scout whacked the Heavy a few times. However the Heavy punched him in the back, and soon, the Scout was laughing uncontrollably.  
The Heavy grabbed the Scout. Scout stopped laughing.  
" HA HA HA!"  
" Aah! Aaaaaahh!" screamed Scout, trying to escape. But it was no use.

The Heavy was trying to break Scout's ribs and head now. Scout saw his entire life flash before his eyes.  
Seeing the world for the first time as a baby... crying as his father left his mother... Laughing as he scored his first home run... Running around with his brothers...cheering the Red Sox on... Killing the BLU Spy with his Bat for the first time...whacking the Spy in the ass when he tried to grab the RED Briefcase...

The last moment gave Scout an idea. He batted the Heavy in the gut. The Heavy dropped him. The Scout whacked the Heavy in the stomach again, then hit him in the back. As the Heavy lay on the ground, desperately trying to reach his Sandvich, the Scout jumped up and smashed his head in.

Later, the dead Heavy lay on the captured Control point, near his Shotgun. On top of him sat the Scout, chomping on the Sandvich and nodding his head.

Man, that was an awesome fight.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3# True Adventures of the RED Team

Meet the Soldier

Granary, June, 1968

The BLU Pyro swung her Degreaser in a wide arc, burning the RED Spy and Scout.  
When they fell, it raised her Degreaser above her head and laughed.  
" HaHaHaHaaaaa!"  
A rocket hit the Pyro straight in the groin.

Elsewhere, the BLU Demoman was having a cool drink from the stolen Scrumpy bottle of his RED counterpart. He was instantly gibbed by another rocket.

Later, the BLU Heavy was trying to do a Showdown taunt when he was hit by a glowing critical rocket.

The Fence outside The Soldier's room in 2Fort, June, 1968

The Soldier, clutching his Rocket Launcher, marched around near the fence, surveying the Blue-helmeted rows of what he called his "Recruits."

" IF FIGHTING MUST RESULT IN VICTORY, YOU MUST FIGHT!"

The Soldier looked behind him for a moment, and said,

" Sun Tzu said that..."

The Soldier stopped at a Recruit, then poked it's helmet.

"... And I'm sure he knows a LITTLE more about fighting than you do pal, because he INVENTED it. And then he PERFECTED it so no man could best him in the Ring of Honor!"

The Soldier smiled and remembered the battle that had taken place in Granary, just an hour earlier...

" AAAAARRRRGH!"

The Soldier stood on the body of a dead BLU Scout, whacking his helmet with his Shovel.

He shot his ex best friend, the BLU Demoman, with his Shotgun.

Holding his Shotgun, he ran past another explosion caused by the Stickybombs of the RED Demoman.

" To the left!" yelled the Scotsman.

The Soldier endured the pain of razor sharp syringes being fired at him by the BLU Medic's Blutsauger. Then he took out his favourite weapon, his Rocket Launcher, fired, and turned the Medic into entrails, blood, and bones.

The Soldier reloaded his Rocket Launcher, then led the RED Heavy and Sniper towards the final BLU Capture Point. The Sniper sprayed bullets with his Submachine Gun and the Heavy spun his Minigun and attacked.

"GO GO GO!"

The Soldier, snapping out of his memory for a moment, addressed the Recruits. He pulled out his grenades, using them as demonstration aids.

" Then he used his FIGHT MONEY to buy TWO of every animal on Earth, then he herded them onto a boat, and then he BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF EVERY SINGLE ONE."

The Soldier banged his Grenades together, then went back to his Recollection of the battle on Granary.

He passed the Scout and Demoman who were hiding behind a pile of crates and barrels. The Demoman reloaded his Grenade Launcher before firing another over his hiding place, and the Scout, holding his Scattergun, pointed and yelled

" There's a Sentry up there!"

He Rocket Jumped onto a pipe,blowing up the Level 2 Sentry,the Level 2 Dispenser, a Teleporter , and the Southern Hospitality- wielding BLU Engineer.

The Soldier stood behind the BLU Heavy, who had escaped his rockets and was now spinning Natascha and firing and the respawned BLU Pyro, with her Degreaser, was burning the RED Pyro, Spy and Engineer. The Soldier responded to that by turning the two BLUs into bits of entrails, brains and flesh, while his three injured comrades ran off, the Pyro being healed by the Medic, the Spy grabbing a medium sized Medipack, then disguising himself as the enemy Sniper, and the Engineer headed off to the Respawn Room. As the Soldier bent down to slice off the miserable gibbed heads with his Shovel. the BLU Spy de-cloaked behind him. He raised his Butterfly Knife to backstab the Soldier. However, the Soldier had heard the Spy's movements and taken out his Shovel.

WHAM.

" Aaaagh! My Teeth!"

WHACK.

The BLU Spy was dead, and the RED Team had won.

Back at 2-Fort, the RED Soldier grinned and chuckled.

" Meheheheh."

" And anytime a bunch of animals are together in one place, IT'S CALLED A TZU!"

The Recruits, aka the Soldier's " Head collection", simply wobbled in the breeze. Then the BLU Medic's head toppled over from the fence.

The RED Soldier bent down and yelled at the head.

" UNLESS IT'S A FARM!"


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4# True Adventures of the RED Team

Meet the Pyro

A Deserted Wild West Frontier Town near Dustbowl, June, 1968

The RED Pyro, Fire Axe in hand, walked across the desert town, stepping on a pair of glasses, and kicking away a butterfly knife.

Back in the Respawn Room in 2Fort...

" I fear no man." growled the silhouetted RED Heavy, his arms folded

" But that thing," he said, unfolding his arms, and clenching his Killing Gloves of Boxing.

" It scares me."

Back at the Ghost Town near Dustbowl...

The RED Pyro, still carrying his Fire Axe, walked into the town. As the BLU Team members saw him, they ran for cover.

The BLU Soldier got out his Shotgun and ran into the back room of a Saloon. The BLU Pyro hid in a barrel with her Back Scratcher. The BLU Demoman grabbed his Grenade Launcher and ran into a room. The BLU Heavy scooped up Natascha in his arms and ran into the Saloon and hid behind the bar. The BLU Engineer ran into the General Store with his Level 2 Dispenser, set it up and started building a Level 2 Sentry with his Southern Hospitality. The BLU Medic took out his Blutsauger and hid in a nearby barn. The BLU Sniper ran up a two storey building with his Hitman's Heatmaker, crouched near a window and followed the RED Pyro's head. The BLU Spy cloaked with his Invisibility Watch, took out his Enforcer and stood near the Dispenser. The BLU Scout dropped his Esquire Magazine, took out his Force A Nature and ran towards the General Store. However, the frightened BLU Engineer had locked the door. The Scout pulled on the handle desperately. But it was no use.

Their nightmare had begun...

" No, I ain't talkin about that freak, alright?" said the RED Scout, with his Scattergun next to him. He tried to take off the lavalier microphone on his shirt. Then he sat up, scared. Was the Pyro listening? Was it outside right now, ready to beat him to death with his/her Fire Axe?

" He's not here, is she?"

The Scout continued tugging.

" HOW DO I GET THIS F*****G THING OFF?"

He grabbed his Scattergun and ran towards the camera, knocking it over. The Director shot him a nasty look and started fixing his camera.

The Pyro switched to his Flamethrower and marched towards what used to be a bar. It did not see the Demoman, but instead kicked open the door. And saw the BLU Soldier with a Shotgun raised.

" MAGGOT!"

In the Pyro's head, two thoughts floated around. The first one said " Burn him." The second said " Turn on Pyrovision." The Pyro promptly set fire to the BLU Soldier, engulfing him in flames. He then pushed a button on his belt. Immediately, the BLU Soldier became a cherub with a helmet, the Flamethrower a Rainblower, and the landscape changed into a purple and blue one.

Back in the Respawn room, the RED Spy sat in the chair, with his Revolver in one hand and a lit Camel cigarette in the other. He took a puff.

" One shudders to think what thoughts lie behind that mask."

The Pyro started setting fire to the whole town. In Pyrovision, it seemed as the Pyro was spreading rainbows everywhere, turning the blue and purple buildings into rainbow colored ones. But the Pyro knew that in reality he was burning the buildings. Even though it seemed everything was peaceful, the Pyro knew he was burning people to death. It had created this cartoon world in order to make himself calm and happy, because he had been upset killing the BLU team and burning them. It had given him nightmares to see the flesh burning off their skin, reducing them to bloody skeletons.

" What dreams of chronic and sustained cruelty!?" asked the RED Spy, staring at his burning Camel cigarette.

The Pyro continued burning the wooden structures.

He saw himself with the Rainblower, as one of it's favorite songs, Do You Believe In Magic? played in the background. The sky was full of fluffy white clouds, fat kittens, puppies and hamsters floated through the air, lollipops grew on the bright green grass, and the landscape was full of trees and small cottages. Rainbows, stars and music notes flew out of the Rainblower.

The BLU Heavy Cherub popped up and started bouncing on the ground happily. The Pyro grabbed a nearby "Lollichop", raised it in the air, laughed and ran towards the Heavy/Cherub.

Back outside of the now burning Saloon, the BLU Heavy dropped Natascha and screamed as the RED Pyro charged, leapt into the air and slammed his Fire Axe into the Heavy's Head.

In Pyrovision, the Heavy was happily munching on the Lollichop when the BLU Scout flew into the air, chuckling. He landed on the Pyro's Rainblower. The Pyro took out a bubble blower and blew bubbles into the Scout's face as he laughed and tried to avoid them happily.

But on the rooftop of a burning building, the BLU Scout screamed and dropped his Force A Nature as the RED Pyro taunted with the Scorch Shot, knocking the Scout back, and making him fall off the building into the flames.

After the Scout had fallen, the Pyro, in Pyrovision, saw the Medic appear in a blue gift box, opening the lid, waving then hiding again. The Pyro knew what that meant. The Medic was in the shed, and he would escape anytime soon. So he walked over the gift box and closed the lid properly.

However, the Medic saw the Pyro bar the door with the Fire Axe that had killed the Heavy.

" NO!"

The Medic desperately tried firing needles at the Pyro with the Blutsauger. But it was useless. The Pyro, although wounded, simply got his Flamethrower out and burnt the shed.

" AAAGH!"

As the Shed collapsed, the Pyro grabbed his Fire Axe and ran out, quickly stopping by the Heavy's body and sticking the Fire Axe back in his head.

In Pyrovision, the Pyro saw the Scout, Heavy and Medic follow him happily. The Engineer and Spy joined them, and soon the adorable Balloonicorn appeared, neighing happily. The Engineer and Spy got on the pink inflatable unicorn, and it galloped down the road. As the Pyro ran down the road, the Soldier saluted, and the DEMOMAN appeared in a corner, waving.

But in reality...

" I'm Burning!"

The BLU DEMOMAN screamed as his lower body burned, Scottish Resistance sliding out of his hands. The BLU Engineer ran as his Sentry and Dispenser were destroyed. He quickly dropped his Wrangler and put his Southern Hospitality in his pocket, his Frontier Justice crackling in his hands. The Engineer ran up the stairs, shot a window open, and got ready to jump.

Then the entire building exploded. The BLU team flew out of the window as the building, which was what used to be the Prison of the old Ghost Town, with a Respawn machine, ammo and health packs turned into a huge fireball.

The BLU Engineer screamed in agony as the flesh melted off him, reducing him to a skeleton, clutching a broken, smashed Frontier Justice.

The BLU Soldier quickly fired off rockets from his Original, but the Pyro simply airblasted them back at him. The Soldier dodged them, gritted his teeth and fired a critical rocket at the Pyro when he was distracted.

Sadly, the Pyro simply turned around, air blasted the Soldier's rocket, and watched as the Soldier ran. However, the Soldier was not fast enough. The glowing rocket smashed into his spinal cord, through his lungs, into his heart, out of his ribcage and finally flew out of his chest.

The Scout ran with his Pistol out, his Force A Nature out of ammo and his Sandman on the ground. Sadly he was knocked back flying into the air by a fireball zooming across the ground.

" NO!"

The BLU Scout thought of his Ma. Who the heck now would protect her from that freakin' Frenchie? He'd hurt her!

He then pulled out a picture of the RED's Female Scout, Annie. He kissed her picture, muttered that he loved her, and fell into the flames screaming.

The BLU Sniper, seeing the room he was in burning, immediately abandoned his Bushwacka and Cleaner's Carbine, taking his Hitman's Heatmaker with him. Then, as the flames grew closer, the Sniper strapped his Hitman's Heatmaker onto his back and jumped out of the window. His hat fell off as he jumped from the second floor of the Sheriff's office. The Sniper quickly rose up from the broken glass around him, and crawled towards the boot of the BLU Pyro.

" HELP!"

Too late, the BLU Sniper saw it was not his teammate, but the RED Pyro. The Sniper looked up into the barrel of the Flamethrower and screamed as he was turned into a flaming Australian. ( No offense intended.) The Pyro than took out his battered Axtinguisher and beat the Sniper to death, severing his hand at the root in the process.

The Pyro then left his Axtinguisher behind as he walked out of the burning Ghost Town. He whistled to the chorus of Do You Believe in Magic? as the BLU Soldier clutched his heart and fell to the ground, his helmet rolling down the street.

But what the Pyro didn't know was that there was one survivor...

The BLU Spy watched in horror as the BLU Scout turned into a screaming fireball, landed in a burning building, which exploded, sending the BLU Scout flying, finally landing ten miles away from the battle, and the BLU Sniper get his hand severed by the Axtinguisher and burned to death. His Enforcer had blown up, his Electro Sapper was electrocuting any metal nearby and his Disguise Kit was sparking and fizzing in the flames, and the paper masks were burning. The Spy grabbed his Knife, cloaked, and ran.

He ran back to Dustbowl, into his base at the final point, sat on the bench and cried.

Back at the RED Base in 2Fort, the RED team stared in horror as they watched the footage the Director had captured on his camera. They didn't see the Pyrovision parts. They just saw a burning town and a massacre.

The Scout broke the shocked silence.

" MATT! HE KILLED HIM! AND NOW MY BEST FRIEND'S GONE AND THE BLOODY FREAK HAS MURDERED HIM ALIVE..."

The Bostonian eventually rambled out a long stream of curses and swear words, finally ending when he broke down into tears. He grabbed a picture of the Pyro nearby and smashed it to pieces with his Bat.

The Soldier then got up, grabbing his Rocket Launcher, and yelled;

" THIS GAS MASK WEARING PRIVATE ISN'T A AMERICAN! HE'S A FILTHY NAZI! SUN TZU SAID, ANY PYROMANIACS MUST BE BLOWN UP WITH ROCKETS!"

" CLEAN THE STINKING TOILET NOW OR YE WILL BE TURNED INTO A MAGGOT! IT'S FULL OF YE NIGHTSOIL!"

" SHUT UP MERASMUS! IT'S FULL OF YOUR MAGIC INFESTED SHIT!"

The Soldier then left the room with his Shovel out, yelling something about how Magicians were frauds and how he was going to do the worst army punishment on MERASMUS the Magician.

The Demoman slammed his Stickybomb Launcher on the ground, and cried;

" HE MUST BE A DEMON FROM HELL!"

The Heavy aimed his Minigun at the Pyro's spare gas mask, and unloaded 200 rounds of custom bullets while screaming;

" PYRO IS NOT CREDIT TO TEAM!"

The Engineer slammed his Wrench on his gloved Gunslinger, and growled;

" HE ISN'T A MAN OR A WOMAN! HE'S A BIG MEAN MOTHER HUBBARD ROBOT WHO IS PROGRAMMED TO BURN EVERYTHING! HE'S NOT MY FRIEND ANYMORE!"

The Medic polished his Quick Fix and shouted;

" WHEN ZIS GESTAPO OFFICER COMES BACK I WILL SAW THROUGH HIS BONES!"

The Sniper loaded his Sniper Rifle, and said;

" HE'S A BLOODY AMATEUR MERCENARY WITH NO STANDARDS!"

The Spy finally flicked his Knife and muttered;

" HE IS THE WORST PERSON WHO EVER LIVED!"

The Soldier finally came back, with blood on his Shovel, several burns, two black eyes, a broken nose and a nasty wound that made his guts hang out. He dumped his Shovel on the ground and roared:

" LET'S DESTROY THIS NAZI MONSTER FOR GOOD!"

The RED Team ran out, waving their signature weapons. The Pyro was in his room, putting his Flamethrower and Scorch Shot back inside his locker and turning off Pyrovision. He heard nine very loud knocks on the took out his Fire Axe and opened the door. Then he was beat up, gibbed and shot. The last thing he saw was a aluminium bat heading towards him.

When he woke up, he was lying on his bed, with blood everywhere and his own teammates looking at him with fury in their eyes. His Fire Axe was embedded into his side.

The RED Scout growled, than raised his Bat to strike.

Then suddenly a hand grabbed the Scout's wrist. The Scout and his comrades turned, and their jaws dropped.

" MA! It's great to see you! Let's have lunch right now, but can you let go of my wrist for a-OW!"

The Scout dropped his Bat, clutching his wrist. His mom, furious and angry, whacked him with her Frying Pan.

" Ricky, Whaddya think you're doing, trying to kill a poor man like that! And one of your teammates too! I sent you here to be a Mercenary, not a bully!"

" Ma, the Pyro's a chick- YEOW!"

" YOU'RE GROUNDED! NO RED SOX GAMES ON TV FOR TWO WEEKS!"

" NOOOO! MA-"

" SHUSH!"

She turned to the rest of the team.

" AND YOU GUYS, BEING A BAD INFLUENCE ON MY BOY! YOU! YOU'RE THE MEDIC, AREN'T YOU?"

" Ja."

" Go and patch him up now!"

The Medic advanced towards the Pyro, Bonesaw in hand.

Suddenly the Pyro broke down. Everyone stopped what they were doing. Was the Pyro- crying?

Through his electric translator, the Pyro spoke through muffled sobs.

" You don't understand! I'm a human being too! I have feelings! And I don't enjoy burning the BLU team members to death! It's horrible! I'll show you how I see things!" ( Ymmph Dmmph Ummph! Immph Ammph Hmmph Bmmph Tmmph! Immmph Hmmph Fmmph! Am mph Immph Dmmph Emmph Bmmph Tmmph BMMPHU Tmmph Mmmph Tmmph Dmmph! Immph Hmmph!" Imphal Smmph Ymph Hmph Imph Smph Tmmmmph!)

Clutching his Fire Axe, and carrying his Flamethrower and Scorch Shot, the Pyro led his team out of the door. Then he handed them each a box. On it was the label " Vintage Pyrovision Goggles" and underneath the message " This is how I see things- The Pyro."

Puzzled, each of the eight classes and the RED Scout's mom put them on. And when they opened their eyes, they were amazed.

" WHOA!"

" It's beautiful!"

" THIS IS DEFINITELY MY WORLD! THIS IS THE REAL AMERICA!"

" SCRUMPY EVERYWHERE!"

" SASHA LIKES GREEN HILLS AND CANDY!"

" THIS HAS SO MUCH SENTRY SPOTS!"

" IT'S JUST LIKE ZE GRIMM'S FAIRY TALES WORLD!"

" NOW THIS IS JUST AMAZING, MATE!"

" IT'S- WONDERFUL!"

Then the Demoman pointed.

" KITTENS! THE CHUBBY HIGHLAND KITTENS OF THE DEGROOT MOOR! AND THE FAT LOCH NESS HAMSTER'S OFFSPRING! AND THE TUBBY DOG OF THE CASTLE ON THE HILL! THEY'RE ALL HERE!"

The Scout was tasting the Lollipops, Chocolate, Ice Cream and Candy.

" THESE ARE AWESOME, MAN!"

" Well, Scoutie, I suppose I could use these in my cakes sometime..."

" Yes you can!" ( Ymmph Ymmph Cmmph!"

" Thanks Pyro!"

The Demoman drunk the Scrumpy growing on the ground. As he finished one he reached for another. Then suddenly...

" IT GREW BACK! ENDLESS SCRUMPY! I LOVE YOU MAN!"

The Heavy and Sasha were having a Candy and Sandviches picnic, the Soldier and Lady Liberty (an animated version of the statue, with emotions, and happens to be the Soldier's permanent girlfriend) sat watching the clouds, with Soldier pointing out various clouds.

" SEE! THERE'S BETSY ROSS! SEE? THERE'S WASHINGTON! SEE? THERE'S COLONEL MUSTARD AND SERGEANT PEPPER! SEE? THERE'S MY GRANDMA'S AMERICAN MADE UNDERWEAR…"

" Look, there's Bartholdi building my head! God bless him, he was a brilliant sculptor. I remember that day when I was unveiled and there was so much cheering in the harbour… I remember the immigrants running to look when they saw me welcoming them to their new home… I remember the tears of joy from the shell shocked Soldiers when I welcomed them home from World War I….. "

The Engineer was building a Dispenser, and was delighted to find out it gave him edible chocolate, pies, cupcakes, ice cream and candy, along with tons of refined metal. Soon he'd made a Teleporter out of lollipops, and a Level 3 Sentry Gun out of pies and cakes. The Sniper was happy to find out there was crocodile meat, kangaroo meat, beef, chicken, mutton, peas, carrots, and potatoes growing everywhere, so he could make a stew in his van. And the Spy simply sipped the aged Merlot growing on a bush.

Then Ballonicorn appeared, and everybody took a ride around the whole base, even through the rooms they couldn't access.

Then they heard the Administrator say " Mission begins in five seconds,"

Immediately everybody packed up and ran, putting their newfound treats in their rooms. The Scout's mom stayed in her room at the base to cook dinner ( clam chowder, and a pork roast with peas, carrots, broccoli, corn and saffron rice) for the team, while Balloonicorn ate some spare cans full of Captain Dan's ABC Vegetable Military Surplus Soup, drank some Red Shed Beer, and scraps from the Scout's mom's cooking. Meanwhile,the REDs were quickly preparing for the fierce battle for the Intelligence. The Scout took out his Scattergun and hid in the sewer stairs of BLU. The Soldier stood in the courtyard, ready to gib anyone who came near with his Rockets, with Lady Liberty and her Liberty Launcher near him. The Pyro hid under the Sewer stairs with his Flamethrower out, and turned Pyrovision on. The Flamethrower turned into a Rainblower, the Scorch Shot a bubble blower and the Fire Axe a lollichop. The Demoman took a drink from his Bottle, then put Stickybombs around the Intelligence. The Heavy was quickly getting himself ubercharged by the Medic and his Quick Fix. The Engineer built his Level 3 Sentry Gun in the right corridor near the Intelligence, hidden from view. The Sniper stood on the battlements, observing the BLU base. And the Spy disguised himself as the enemy Pyro, cloaked with his Cloak and Dagger, and made his way to the enemy base, stopping at certain times to recharge his Cloak.

The wait ended, and the Heavy and Medic charged out to face the angry BLU team.

Then the whole RED team burst out laughing. Even the Spy, though disguised, chuckled slightly.

" ENTIRE TEAM IS BABIES!" screamed the Heavy happily as he watched nine BLU cherubs in diapers bounce around like maniacs.

The BLU team stood, puzzled. Why were they laughing, why were they babies and what did those weird goggles do?

Then the battle commenced.

The RED Spy uncloaked and backstabbed the BLU Scout. The RED Sniper blasted the BLU Sniper in the head. The RED Engineer killed the BLU Engineer with his Wrench. The RED Heavy and Medic killed the BLU Heavy and Medic, with the BLU Heavy being mowed down and the BLU Medic getting a Bonesaw to the knee. The RED Demoman blew up the BLU Soldier with his Sticky Bombs. The RED Pyro stuck a Lollichop/Fire Axe into the BLU Pyro's head. The RED Soldier and Liberty unloaded tons of rockets into the BLU Demoman and the army of BLU Soldiers that constantly appeared at every battle. And the RED Scout, double jumping from the battlements onto the bridge, ignoring the huge battle taking place under the roof of the bridge. He switched to his Scattergun as he entered the BLU base. He dodged rockets from Beggar's Bazookas, bullets from Natascha, grenades, and even a fully charged Hitman's Heatmaker bullet. Finally he got to the Intelligence room. Then he slammed into an object.

It was apparently the RED Sniper with his rifle out. But the Scout knew what that meant. He fired his Scattergun twice.

" ARRRGGH!"

The BLU Spy dropped his Knife and fell to the ground. The Scout ran towards the Intelligence, but a bullet slammed into his slightly muscular body.

How could he have been so stupid?

The BLU Spy was using the Dead Ringer!

The Scout started circle strafing the Spy, running around his circles with his Bat out. Finally, when the Spy couldn't land a single shot, the Scout attacked him with his Bat.

" BONK!"

The Scout slammed his nemesis so hard that he flew out of the Intelligence room and into the Mission Control room, where a machine blew up, setting the Spy on fire. The Spy screamed and fell over.

The Scout fired a few shots from his Pretty Boy's Pocket Pistol, switched back to his Scattergun and ran.

He dodged everything the BLU team threw at him. The Sandman's Baseball , Pistol bullets, Force A Nature shots, rockets from the Original, Shotgun blasts, the Kamikaze taunt, grenades, the Scottish Resistance Stickybombs, the Eyelander, the $200,000 custom rounds from Natascha, the Showdown taunt of the Heavy, the Frontier Justice of the Engineer, the Southern Hospitality, the Wrangled Level 2 Sentry, the Blutsauger's poisoned syringes, a Medigun Ubercharge from the Demoman, the Spinal Tap taunt, the Hitman's Heatmaker's bullets, The Cleaner's Carbine, the Bushwacka, the Enforcer's shots, and the Fencing taunt.

As the Scout reached the bridge, he dodged the rockets from the BLU Soldier army's Beggar's Bazookas. They constantly missed, although he double jumped to avoid critical rockets.

Then the Scout was on fire. The BLU Pyro had airblasted him into the air with her Degreaser. Now she was attacking him with her Flare Gun over and over.

" MEDIC!"

The Medic stopped Bonesawing the BLU Medic for a moment and got out his Quick Fix. He ran quickly, but the RED Pyro was already there. He extinguished the burning Scout with his Flamethrower air blast. However, he had used up all the fuel on his Flamethrower, so he dropped it, the Engineer picking it up and racing back. The Pyro got out his Fire Axe and beat the BLU Pyro to death, then took it out. Then he did something suicidal. He quickly ran across the bridge, and taunted with the Scorch Shot, ignoring the Shotgun blasts of the BLU Soldiers.

A flare bounced out and set the entire army of Soldiers on fire, knocking them back. They flew through the air, smashing into the BLU base and setting it on fire. The Pyro, pleased with his work, stood for a moment to admire it, Fire Axe now in hand.

Meanwhile, in the BLU base's underground warehouse, a spark hit a Hoodoo Payload bomb, half finished.

It shook, then blew up, triggering all the Payload carts, Hoodoo Carts and Lil Chew Chews to explode all at the same time. A huge mushroom fireball smashed through the BLU base, killing everyone inside and near it, sending the entire BLU team to the ruins of the Respawn room.

The RED team gazed at it for a while, then recognized one of them was missing.

Quickly, a rescue party was formed. The Scout took his Mad Milk, Scattergun, and Bat, the Solder his Battalion's Backup, Rocket Launcher and Shovel, the Demoman his Ali Baba's Wee Booties, and Stickybomb Launcher, the Heavy his Buffalo Steak Sandvich, Minigun, and Killing Gloves of Boxing, the Engineer his Gunslinger, Shotgun, and a Level 3 Dispenser, the Medic his Quick Fix, Crusader's Crossbow and his Bonesaw, and the Sniper his Kukri and Submachine Gun. And Balloonicorn brought two paper bags of Reese's Pieces and Kit Kats.

They sifted through tons of rubble, Payloads, BLU skeletons, weapons, metal, supply crates, hats, items, plastic and burning cloth. They blew up any unexploded bombs, and gave any weapons that were still in working order to the Engineer, who converted it into Scrap Metal, Refined Metal and Reclaimed Metal.

Finally, after an hour of searching, they found the Pyro, with almost all his bones broken, apart from his hands, arms, and legs, flesh wounds, and burns, but he was still alive thanks to his flame proof suit. His Fire Axe was completely unburnt for some reason, but his team-mates focused on healing him first, via Mad Milk, a warm Buffalo Steak Sandvich, the Dispenser and the Quick Fix. His Scorch Shot, was badly burnt, had an exploded barrel and a missing trigger , so the Engineer took it to his Dispenser to be fixed.

The Pyro was taken back to his room, where he rested for an hour, and when dinner was ready, was taken to the Dining room upstairs, overlooking the Intelligence Room, in a wheelchair.

Over the next six days he slowly recovered. Eventually he was fit and healthy to be able to be a crazed, happy go lucky arsonist. In celebration, the Pyro was taken to Disneyland with the Scout's ma, Lady Liberty, his team and even Saxton Hale, where the Pyro happily had fun without burning anything for once. Although Saxton Hale was kicked out of the park for trying to kill all the animals on the Jungle River Cruise, having a Pistol Duel with Mickey Mouse, a boxing contest with Donald Duck, a wrestling contest with Pluto, stabbing Captain Hook, breaking Pinnochio, trying to blow up the Haunted Mansion, messing up It's a Small World by adding tsunamis, sharks, crocodiles, piranhas, waterspouts, skeleton pirates, and a nuclear submarine, killing Goofy, getting so drunk he tried to marry Minnie Mouse, replacing the Fireworks with grenades, and finally fighting with every single Disney character in the park, the whole day was fine.

As the Pyro went to bed, he thought " Why don't we burn down Thunder Mountain?"

All was well in the world. Even though the mountains were on fire a few minutes later, the BLU team were running around in their pyjamas, with the Offense classes wielding their sidearms, the Defense classes wielding their primaries, the Support Classes wielding their melees, and the RED team were demolishing the BLU buildings, and trying to damage the Payload Nuke, everything was fine.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5: Meet the Spy

A Blue Alarm Bell rung.

" ATTENTION!" yelled the Administrator.

" RED SPY! IN THE BASE!" As she spoke, the signs on the Alarm-A-Tron 5000 lit up.

The BLU Soldier looked up at the board.

" A RED Spy is in the base?" he muttered.

The Soldier grabbed his Shotgun off a rack of weapons, then ran to the Intelligence Room, running down the stairs.

" Hut hut hut hut hut hut!"

" PROTECT THE BRIEFCASE!" yelled the Administrator.

" We need to protect the briefcase!" shouted the Soldier.

He noticed the BLU Scout battering the locked Intelligence Room Door with his Sandman, then trying to tug it open.

" Stupid maggoty American private. Not using his American Eyes to see that there's a 100% American Made Keypad on the door!" thought the Soldier.

" Yo, a little help here?" asked the Scout.

The Soldier pushed the Bostonian aside.

" Alright, alright, I got it. Stand aside Son " growled the Soldier

" 1, 1, 1, umm, 1!" he said, pressing the keypad.

" Let's go! Let's go-" yelled the Scout, Sandman at the ready.

" INCOMING!" roared the BLU Heavy as he ran around the corner, Natascha in hand, charging at the BLU Scout and Soldier.

The Heavy used Natascha's strong black barrel to smash down the door, destroying it completely. The three men were sent tumbling and screaming into the Intelligence Room.

" AAAAAAH-Hey! It's still here!" yelled the BLU Scout as he noticed the briefcase, safe and spinning around on the table.

" AAAH- Alright then." grunted the Heavy.

" Ahem."

The three men turned around, weapons in hand.

" Mentlegen?"

The BLU Spy entered the room, Knife in one hand, and carrying the dead  
body of the BLU Sniper in the other.

" I see that the briefcase is safe." he said.

" Safe and sound, Mmhmm." replied the Soldier.

" Yeah it is!" interrupted the Scout.

" Tell me, did anyone happen to kill a RED Spy on the way here?" asked the BLU Spy.

The three mercenaries shook their heads.

" No? Then we still have problems."

He flung the Sniper's corpse onto the table. He had blood all over his back.

"...and a Knife!" muttered the Soldier.

The Scout removed the Knife from the Sniper's back.

" Oohooohoo! Big problem. I've killed plenty of Spies. They're dime a dozen backstabbing scumbags, like you!"

The Scout attempted to twirl the Knife like the Spy, but he cut himself instead.

" OW! No offense." he said, kissing the spot where he cut himself.

" If you managed to kill them, I assure they were not like me. " replied the Spy, taking the Knife and flicking it shut, then handing it to the Scout. He wielded the Butterfly Knife too.

" And nothing, nothing like the man loose inside THIS BUILDING!"

" What are you, President of his fan club?" asked the Scout mockingly.

The Heavy and Soldier chuckled.

" No." said the Spy, turning around.

" That would be your MOTHER!"

He threw down a folder marked "Scout's Mom" onto the table. Several extremely compromising photos of the RED Spy and the Scout's Mother spilled out.

" What the-" said the Scout, dropping his Sandman, and staring at the photos in shock, anger and disbelief.

The filthy RED scumbag had been sleeping with his ma?

The Soldier and Heavy looked at the photos with oohs and aahs, and even collected some of the more "graphic" photos for "special purposes."

" Indeed, and now he's here to fuck us! So listen up boy, or pornography starring your mother will be the second worst thing that happens to you today." said the Spy, gesturing to the photos with his Enforcer.

The Scout glared at the Spy, picking up his Sandman. Meanwhile, behind him, the BLU Heavy picked up a particularly touching photo and showed it to the Soldier.

" Oh!" said the Soldier, as he saw the pink purse the Scout's Mom was carrying.

" GIMME THAT!" shouted the Scout, retrieving all the photos.

He got out his Sandman and started whacking his teammates with it while the Spy lit a Marlboro cigarette and started smoking, with his Knife still in hand.

" This Spy has already breached our defenses..."

Hydro, June, 1968

The RED Spy ran across an underground cavern with his Revolver in his hand. He hid behind a wall while the BLU Engineer stood, tapping his Southern Hospitality in his hand as he admired his Level 3 Sentry Gun, Lucy.

The Spy slid an Electro Sapper across the room. It landed on the Sentry. The Engineer started whacking his Sentry Gun, but it blew up into pieces.

" Sentry down!" yelled the Engineer as he pulled out his Pistol, ready to blast the Spy.

BANG.

The Engineer fell through a door, a red hole in his head, while the Spy shot at the disguised BLU Spy nearby.

" You see what he has done to our colleagues!" yelled the Spy, gesturing to the body of the Sniper with his Enforcer.

2Fort, Battlements Room, June, 1968.

The RED Spy crept towards the BLU Sniper, Revolver out. Instantly, the Sniper leapt up as the Spy switched to his Knife, and smashed the Hitman's Heatmaker into pieces. The Sniper grabbed his Bushwacka nearby, and swung at the Spy, but failed to strike him. The Spy slashed the Sniper's cheek, and, when the Sniper was distracted, he backstabbed him.

" AARGH!"

The Spy smirked, switched back to his Revolver, disguised as the enemy Pyro, cloaked, and stood in a corner just as the BLU Spy came in.

" And worst of all, he could be anyone of us." said the BLU Spy, gesturing with his cigarette.

2Fort, Intelligence Room, Respawn Room, June, 1968

The Spy grabbed the BLU Medic's arm, who was holding his Ubersaw.

" Raus, Raus!" yelled the Medic.

The Spy then disguised as the Medic, without glasses.

" Nein." gasped the now unarmed BLU Medic as he looked at himself. He didn't know he looked so old without his glasses!

The Spy then chopped the Medic's neck, breaking it. The Spy picked up his glasses and put them on, then got out a Blutsauger and ran out. A few seconds later, the BLU Spy came in.

" He could be you! He could be me! He could even be-" said the Spy.

BLAM

The Spy's head exploded.

The blood splattered Soldier grinned and pumped his Shotgun as the BLU Spy fell over.

" Whoa Whoa Whoa!" yelled the Scout.

" Oh!" said the Heavy.

" What? It was obvious!" grinned the Soldier.

" He's the RED Spy! Watch, he'll turn red any second now..."

The Soldier poked the Spy's foot with his Shotgun.

" See, red! No wait, that's blood..." muttered the Soldier.

Behind them, the Scout looked around, then raised his Sandman and turned it upside down. As he approached, he turned into who he really was- the RED Spy, Knife raised.

" So, we still got problem." grunted the Heavy, Natascha in his hands.

" Big Problem- alright, who's up to find the Spy?" asked the Soldier, pumping his Shotgun.

" Right behind you."

" AAAARRRRGH! ARRRGH! AAAARRRGGGH-MEDIC!-AAAGH!

Later, the RED Spy came out of the BLU Intelligence Room, eight bodies behind him and briefcase in his hand. He cleared away the photos until he saw one particular one.

It was him and the Scout's mother walking together to the Vespa nearby.

" Ah, Ma Petite de Chou Fleur."

The Spy smiled pocketed the photo, got his Revolver out and ran to his RED Base.

When Humiliation came, and the REDS were running around the BLU Base cutting down the enemy team, the Spy simply went out of the base.

Waiting near his Vespa was a slim woman, with a lovely hairstyle and a pink purse. As she climbed onto the scooter, the Spy didn't spot her slip a black gas mask and a blue Flare Gun into her bag.

They drove away into the sunset, another day's work finally completed.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6# True Adventures of the RED Team

Meet the Heavy

(DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN TF2. AND ALL CREDIT FOR LESLEY CONAGHER GOES TO HER CREATOR, LISTENS2MUSIC.)

Viaduct, June, 1968

The RED Heavy stomped in, with Sasha in his hands. He gently put it down in a large, long, cardboard box, and caressing it with his hands.

" I am Heavy Weapons Guy, and this- is my weapon."

He fixed his eye on the Director's camera and laid both hands on his Minigun.

" She weighs 150 kilograms and fires $200 dollar, custom tooled cartridges at 10,000 rounds per minute."

The Heavy looked straight at the camera.

" It costs 400,000 dollars to fire this weapon- for 12 seconds."

The Heavy started laughing.

A few minutes later, he was closely studying his Minigun.

Then he saw a large dark brown handprint on the barrel.

" Oh my God- who touched Sasha? Alright- WHO TOUCHED MY GUN?"

The Heavy strapped on his Killing Gloves of Boxing, and went on a rampage through the Viaduct base.

First, he went to the Scout's room. The Scout was calling Lesley Conagher, the Engineer's sister, for a date.

" And…uh…. Um….. OK, I'll meet you at the stadium."

He turned around, Scattergun in hand, to face the angry Heavy.

" DID TINY BABY MAN TOUCH MY GUN?"

" Er..No."

The Scout was promptly smashed into the wall.

Meanwhile, at the base in Viaduct...

The Soldier was screaming at his row of heads when he heard the Scout scream. A few minutes later, a hat rolled down the floor, along with a crushed earpiece.

The Soldier grinned. It felt like the days when he was on Iwo Jima, when the US troops where being blasted horribly and young men where falling in their millions, and he had rocket jumped out of the sky and crocketed the Japs so hard they ran. Then he had fought that massive katana wielding general in samurai armor, two times as big as him, in one on one combat, and won by beating the bastard with his Shovel. It was time to fight another giant.

He grabbed his nearby Battalion's Backup, sounded his Bugle, then tapped out a Morse Code Message to the rest of the team, other than the Scout and a Heavy.

Message: Bigg Commee onn rampayge stopp Gett owt yowr wehpins stopp Attaak him ith yoo see him menn stopp

The Soldier got out his trusty Rocket Launcher, and started reading the Art of War. The Pyro took out his Flamethrower and started conversing happily with Balloonicorn, who provided chocolates and candy. The Demoman put Stickybombs around the door and drunk from his Bottle. The Engineer set up a Level 3 Dispenser and a Level 3 Sentry Gun. The Medic took out his Quick Fix and Bonesaw, and to pass the time, read Grimm's Fairy Tales. The Sniper stopped his target practice and took out his Submachine Gun. And the Spy cloaked with his Cloak and Dagger, and hid with his Knife out, then went to fetch the BLU Scout's mom.

The Heavy stomped through the base, and smashed through the Soldier's green metal door into his army base style room. The Soldier started firing rockets at the Heavy, knocking him back. Eventually the Heavy bashed him with his glove, sending his Rocket Launcher into the ceiling.

" DID PATRIOTIC ROCKET MAN TOUCH MY GUN?"

" No! You wanna fight? Come and get beaten up by a real man!' screamed the Soldier as he got out his Rocket Launcher from the ceiling.

After a huge round of explosions, punches and Shotgun blasts, had been smashed through a wall along with his Rocket Launcher, leaving a patriot sized hole in his bedroom wall.

The Pyro stopped his tea party with Balloonicorn, and grabbed his Flamethrower. A nanosecond later the Heavy smashed down the door into the Pyro's fire station style room.

" DID FIREMAN TOUCH MY GUN?"

" Nmph!" ( NO!)

A few minutes later, the Pyro was left dangling from a fire hose, with his Flamethrower slammed in the wall beside him and fire extinguisher foam combined with glue stuck to his legs, preventing him from moving his legs.  
The Heavy stomped over to Balloonicorn, screaming at him while the inflatable unicorn floated around.

" DID MAYOR OF PYROLAND TOUCH MY GUN?"

" No!" squeaked Balloonicorn.

Five seconds later, the Pyro was sobbing and begging the Heavy to stop as Balloonicorn had all the air punched out of him, reducing him to a baggy inflatable animal.

" Ouch." was all the poor unicorn could say before dying.

The Demoman was in his Wine Cellar style room when all the bottles and barrels broke and the wooden door flew of the hinge.

As the Heavy ran at the Demoman, the Demoman detonated his bombs, sending both of them flying.

As they crashed into another row of bottles, the Heavy growled.

" DID DRUNK SCOTTISH MAN TOUCH MY GUN?"

" Aaah. No." said Tavish DEGROOT as he got out his Bottle and whacked the Heavy several times.

The Demoman ended up under a pile of broken glass, puddles of Scrumpy and smashed barrels, Stickybomb launcher floating in a barrel full of wine, and Bottle smashed into his eyepatch.

The RED Engineer held his Wrench in both hands, as the Heavy smashed up the Demoman's Scrumpy cellar, and was about to stomp into his Carpenter's workshop styled room.  
As soon as the Heavy came in, the Sentry blasted him. The Heavy, with a few critical punches, blew up the Sentry Gun and Dispenser.

" DID ENGINEER TOUCH MY GUN?"

" Nope." said the Engineer as his neck extended.  
The Engineer and the Heavy had a furious melée fight, ending with the Engineer getting pinned to the wall with hatchets, saws and screwdrivers and having Brasso Polish poured all over him.

The Medic trembled as he saw his best friend stomp through the corridors to reach his bedroom and Medical Room for the team. The Medic looked around his room, which was styled to look like a Medical Museum, Operating Room, Office and Laboratory, with rows of chemicals and test tubes, desks, bookshelves, the Quick Fix hanging from the ceiling, and triple glazed glass cases full of hearts, organs, skeletons, bones, and animals cut in half.

Then the Heavy broke down the door.

" DID DOKTOR TOUCH MY GUN?"

" Nein, Heavy!"

The Medic took out his Bonesaw, expecting a fight, but the Heavy simply pushed him over and continued to the Sniper's Van outside.

The Sniper saw the Heavy through his scope, then got his Submachine Gun out and hid under his bed.

" DID SNIPER TOUCH MY GUN?"

" No, mate."

As soon as the Heavy came in, the Sniper blasted away at him with his secondary weapon. The bullets held off the Heavy long enough, but eventually the Sniper was out of ammo. He got out a new weapon from that the RED Pyro had given to him as a birthday present- The Cleaner's Carbine. He sprayed the Heavy with bullets. When he had the last critical hit chance, he took out his Kukri and battered the Heavy with it.

After a long and hard melee fight, the Sniper's van exploded. The Sniper grabbed his rifle in midair, and landed a few shots on the Heavy before he crashed into a cliff and slid off.

The Heavy ran into the base.

Meanwhile, in the Spy's room, which looked like his bedroom back in his house in Paris, with a four-poster bed, and pictures of himself on the walls, with French Windows and a view overlooking the cliffs. He was quietly sleeping with the BLU Scout's mom while her son was tied to a chair, with his Force A Nature hanging from the ceiling, far away from him.

" YOU BLOODY FREAKING FRENCHIE!"

" Say that again and you will be gutted like a Cornish game hen."

" ONE DAY, YOU'LL STOP SLEEPING WITH MY MA!"

The BLU Scout's mom, forgetting she was in her underwear, woke up and yelled

" WILL YOU TWO JUST CUT IT OUT!"

" Ok, Ma Petite de Chou Fleur."

" Alright, Mom."

As the BLU Scout's mom slept, the Spy dressed in his suit and got out his Knife

" Yo, FRENCHIE!"

" What?"

" Why da heck are you taking your gun out? Wait- YOU DOUBLE CROSSING SONOFABITCH! YOU'RE GOING TO BACKSTAB MY MA! IF YOU WANT A FIGHT YOU'LL GET ONE!"

" NO! THE RED HEAVY IS ON A RAMPAGE! I NEED TO STOP HIM!"

" BE QUIET, BOTH OF YOU!"

" OK, MA!"

The RED Spy cut the ropes of the BLU Scout with his Knife, then gave him his Pistol, which the BLU Scout put in his holster, and the Sandman, which the BLU Scout put in his backpack. Then the Scout took out his Force A Nature.

" DID SPY TOUCH MY GUN?"

" No."

The Heavy smashed down the door. Immediately, the Spy backstabbed him several times, and the Scout knocked him back.

However, just about when the Scout was about to do knock him back again, the Heavy grabbed the Spy and flung him out of the window. Then he turned to the BLU Scout.

" YOU! ALWAYS TRYING TO STEAL SASHA! DID TINY BABY BASEBALL MAN TOUCH MY GUN?"

" No! Please don't- Aaaarrrgh!"

The Scout tried to shoot the Heavy with the Force A Nature, but the Heavy attacked him with critical punches, slammed him into the floor, walls and furniture, then smashed a chair on top of him, along with a painting.

When the Scout was bruised and beaten, the Heavy yanked off the bed cover. Fortunately, the woman was now dressed in her fireproof Pyro suit.

" NOOOOOO! NOT MY MA!"

" DID BLU SCOUT'S MOM TOUCH MY GUN?"

" No Sir! And I'd like to remind you, stop beating up my boyfriend, my little baby and assaulting women is indecent and you're setting a bad example to my baby. "

The Heavy responded by charging at her.

" NOOOOOO! STOP IT! DON'T KILL MY MA!"

The Scout freed himself and attacked the Heavy with his Sandman as his mom got smashed into the bed.

The Scout saw his mom, bruised and bleeding, as she got out her Back Scratcher. She landed a lot of hits on the Heavy before she was flung into the bed and had the whole thing land on top of her.

" YOU KILLED HER! EAT MY GUN, YOU %*#¥€£¥\|{#+=$&$$^£*^£^£)£_ *(£^ *&(^£*&^&(£*£*(^£)*& !"

The Scout got every single piece of furniture thrown at him, and was beaten up with critical punches until he was very nearly dead.

The Heavy stomped back to his interview, the shaking Director following him, who had captured everything on his camera.

Back at his interview room, the Heavy stood near Sasha.

" Some people think they can outsmart me."

The Heavy sniffed.

" Maybe. Maybe."

" I have yet to meet one who can outsmart bullet."

The Heavy held up a huge, custom made, bullet to the camera.

On Dustbowl, the Heavy stood on the rock near the BLU base, spinning his Minigun and firing everywhere.

" WAAAAAAAAAH! UWAAAAHHH! AHAHAHAHAHA! CRY SOME MORE!"

" Heheheh. Cry some more."

After the filming...

At the Medical Bay in Viaduct, the Medic carefully looked at his teammates as he prepared his Quick Fix. Lesley was busy applying bandages to the angry Scout's wounds as he sat with his flattened, dented, Scattergun, with a snapped Spinal Cord, and a fractured skull. The Soldier had broken every single bone in his body, and his Rocket Launcher had exploded. Lady Liberty was on hand to cheer him up by reading him the History of America's Military, 1775-1936. The Pyro had been badly bruised, and had a broken leg. His Flamethrower had its handle reduced to plastic, and the rest had exploded or became dented and scratched metal. The Demoman had a broken back and his Bottle in his eyepatch. He was holding a Stickybomb Launcher, badly smashed up, waterlogged with Scrumpy and had exploded. The Engineer had a lot of nasty cuts and pieces of metal embedded in him, and his Wrench had turned into scrap metal. The Sniper had severe injuries from fall damage and his Sniper Rifle was Snapped in half and the scope had shattered. The Spy has broken glass in his body, and his Knife had been turned into pieces. The BLU Scout had his Force A Nature smashed in half and blown up, as well as having a dozen chair legs pierce his ribcage. The BLU Scout's mom had splinters, pieces of wood and a table leg stuck in her back, and her Back Scratcher had been badly dented. And Balloonicorn had been completely deflated.

But the Heavy had the worst injuries. His skull was caved in, he had splinters stuck in his head, his ribcage had been shattered by rockets, he had a lot of axe blows to the head, his legs had burst open from Stickybombs, he had injuries from the Wrench that had broken his arm, he had several SMG bullets to his chest, headshots to his face, huge cuts on his back, and pieces of aluminium in his head, back, and chest. And he was crying, because Sasha now had lots of dirty muddy brown handprints on her that the Heavy couldn't clean off.

The Scout went in, and came back with a fully normal Spinal Cord, a slightly dented but fixed Bat, and a skull with no evidence that it had ever been fractured. The Soldier came back with all his bones fixed, and a fully functioning Rocket Launcher. The Pyro came out with a Flamethrower that looked like he had just bought another from , Balloonicorn floating beside him, full of air, and as adorable as ever. The Demoman came out with no glass in his eyepatch, a healed back and a Stickybomb Launcher that looked perfectly fine. The Engineer went out with no cuts, no pieces of metal in him, and a Wrench that had all it's parts back together. The Sniper's injuries were healed, and his Rifle and scope were whole. The Spy had the glass taken out, and a new Knife, fully assembled and working. The BLU Scout, through several health packs and the BLU Medic's Medigun, came out with his Force A Nature and all the wood taken out of his body. The BLU Scout's mom, healed by the RED Medic's wife's Kritzkrieg, had a normal Back Scratcher and no injuries.

The Heavy and Sasha were fully overhealed, and Sasha, although with a few patches, was put back together.

" DOKTOR AND HIS WIFE ARE GOOD!"

" Danke, Heavy. If you want Sandviches, Gretel will make some for you."

After an entire plate of his favorite food, the Heavy was back to a happy mood again.  
When he went out, he yelled at his teammates:

" NOW, WHO REALLY TOUCH HEAVY'S GUN?"

There was a long silence until Soldier took out his Shovel and screamed.

" I DID IT! AND I HAVE TWO PERFECTLY HONEST AMERICAN REASONS. ONE, IT'S FOR REVENGE. AND TWO, YOU ARE A FILTHY RUSSIAN COMMIE AND YOUR GUN IS A FILTHY UGLY COMMIE TOO!"

" WHAT?! HEAVY IS NOT RUSSIAN! HEAVY IS FROM SIBERIA! AND HEAVY AND FAMILY SAY THAT COMMUNIST IS BAD FOR WHOLE WORLD! AND SASHA IS BEAUTIFUL SIBERIAN MINIGUN! POSSIBLY MOST BEAUTIFUL MINIGUN IN WHOLE WORLD! IS VENUS OF ALL MINIGUNS!"

The Soldier responded to that by smashing out one of the Heavy's teeth.

Immediately, everyone ran to their rooms, locked the doors and sat down with their weapons out as a huge melee fight began.

The Soldier beat the Heavy with his Shovel relentlessly, but the Heavy fought back with his Killing Gloves of Boxing. Although the Shovel dealt a lot of damage, the Critical Punches were stronger.

A few minutes later, the Heavy stomped out hugging his beloved gun, while the Soldier was pinned to the ceiling, with a lightbulb stuck on his helmet, a broken and dented Shovel, and a Boxing Glove stuck to his face.

The Heavy turned around, and saw the Soldier, with a nasty frown on his bloody face.

" CRY SOME MORE!"

The Heavy punched the Soldier one more time.

CRACK.

The Heavy's fingers broke.

"DOKTOR!"


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7#True Adventures of the RED Team

The Pyro's Gender

DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN TEAM FORTRESS 2. VALVE DOES.

Note: I wanted to do Meet the Sandvich, but I couldn't resist doing a chapter about the Pyro's Gender for a change. Meet the Sandvich will be next, I promise. Oh, and, feel free to tell me about any mistakes with the Beatles tribute.

2Fort, June, 1968

Attempt number 1

One day, when the Pyro was away at a reunion party with his old friends at the British Columbia Fire Department, the Mercenaries sat in the lounge and talked about his gender. Or her gender, or it's gender.

" Dude, she's totally a hot chick! A really smoking hot chick with curly red hair and green eyes and a slim body and huge boobs and-" said the Scout, before the Soldier stuck carbolic soap in his mouth and pointed his Rocket Launcher at him.

" Leave your sexual fantasies to yourself, Private! Anyway, I say that the Pyro is the ultimate soldier! It will defeat those Commies anytime now!" yelled the Soldier, spraying spit on everyone.

" I guess he's Frankenstein's Monster." said the Demoman drunkenly before he passed out and landed on his Sticky Bombs.

" Heavy thinks he is just a man. Sasha thinks he is a very good fighter!" was all the Heavy said, before hugging his gun.

" I think he's a robot, My grandad, Radigan, mentioned that he was buildin' a robot once. The Pyro's probably his finished work." said the Engineer, while building a Dispenser.

" Nein. He is the missing link between ape and man! Or he is possibly a new species of human or animal!" replied the Medic, jumping up and down in excitement and almost dropping his Quick Fix on the Spy's newly polished shoes.

" IT WOULD BE WONDERFUL IF I COULD PEFORM SURGERY ON ZIS FASCINATING CREATURE!" yelled the Medic, while rubbing his hands together in glee.

" Nah, he's probably some Australian bloke." muttered the Sniper, while aiming at the dart board with his rifle.

Then the Spy came up with the most radical theory, one that shocked everyone.

" No. You are all wrong. She is Ma Petite de Chou Fleur. She is the BLU SCOUT'S MOM." he said, while smoking another Camel cigarette.

" WHAT?" yelled the BLU Scout, tied to another chair in the Spy's room when the REDS told him the Frenchman's theory.

"MY MA IS NOT A ARSONIST!"

" But it is possible."

" IT AIN'T FREAKIN' POSSIBLE, FRENCHIE! MY MA NEVER BURNT ANYONE IN HER LIFE APART FROM THAT IDIOT BURGLAR TERRORIST WHO GOT HIS HEAD ON A COOKING OIL FRYING PAN!"

" Calm down. And think about it. When the Pyro sent you flying in the Wild West Ghost Town..."

" NO! SHUT THE HELL UP! I DON'T WANT TO REMEMBER THAT!"

" Chill, Matt!"

" RICKY! GO AND BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF THAT SNAIL EATING SONOFAB****H!"

"-it made a noise. Did it sound like a woman's voice?"

" NO! NOW GET OUT BEFORE I HOME RUN YOU TO PARIS!"

The RED Team ran out, and the Spy backstabbed the Scout before he could say any more swear words.

Attempt Number 2:

2Fort, Medic's Room, June 1968

The Medic looked terrified at the mercenaries' question.

" NO! I cannot possibly tell you! The Pyro promised he would kill me if I ever told you about her gender!"

The mercenaries just left.

Attempt Number 3:

After the Pyro's heart transplant at Badwater Basin...

After the Pyro happily skipped to his room to take a nap, and the Medic and his wife went out to eat, the team opened the Doctor's heavily guarded safe. The Scout smashed the windows of the small room, the Soldier blasted the doors open, the Demoman blew up the safe doors, the Heavy gunned down the locks, the Engineer opened the Medic's safe, the Sniper shot any alarms and the Spy sapped the security cameras.

Inside, they found the Medic's journal. Excited, they opened it- and yelled in anger.

The whole thing was just a doodling book!

Elsewhere in Teufort, at a German restaurant, the Medic smiled and his wife laughed.

" Gretel, they will never figure out the Pyro's gender."

He patted his real Journal, then sat back and started drinking the fresh beer in his mug.

Attempt Number 4:

The team were having fun in the park in Teufort. The Scout played baseball with his brothers and the RED Scout's brothers, who often ran into large gang fights wielding screwdrivers, tire irons, car jacks, crowbars and pipe wrenches, then spotted their old bullies and started a fight. The RED Scout watching Lesley playing her guitar with his arm around her waist, while both quietly discussed good handguns for ladies with Miss Pauling, who was marking down recommended ones on her clipboard. Saxton Hale was signing autographs and fighting bears, and the Administrator was reading Punishment Monthly.

The Soldier was busy playing the Star Spangled Banner on his Battalion's Backup Bugle, while Lady Liberty read stories to the children in a pavilion. The Pyro was listening to music on a pocket transistor radio. The Demoman was playing golf with his mother, while she told him about how his dad used to play golf with bombs. The Heavy was talking to Sasha. The Engineer was participating n a nearby rodeo, riding Balloonicorn. The Medic and his wife were having a picnic while talking about the latest scientific discoveries. The Sniper had joined the fight with the Scout, beating up his dad. And the Spy walked around the park with the BLU Scout's mom.

When the fight was over, and the bullies were stuck in a pond, the RED Scout kissed Lesley then told her that he needed to talk to the Pyro. She happily gave their youngest brother the permission to go and chat while she got up and help Scout's brother to hand over the pimps to the police with the BLU Scout and his other brothers assisting them in dragging the knife wielding thugs out of the duckpond.

The Scout approached the Pyro.

" Yo, Pyro! Can I borrow the radio for a sec?"

" Smph!" ( Sure!)

The Scout took the radio, gathered his team and listened to the Pyro's favorite songs, which were several Beatles songs, like " Help!", " She Loves You", " Ticket to Ride", " I Want To Hold Your Hand" and the recent " Hey Jude", as well as the Loving Spoonful's " Do You Believe in Magic?"

After the songs finished, the Scout said

" See?! Total proof the Pyro is a chick!"

" And how is that proof?" asked the Spy

" Because girls love the Beatles! And the Loving Spoonful's!"

" But where's the proof, partner?" asked the Engineer.

Suddenly, Paul McCartney waved to them quickly, then ran away, followed by an entire army of screaming fangirls. Paul had been wearing his " Hey Jude" costume, was promptly recognized by a fan and ended up running away from a crowd of girls who wanted to kiss him.

" We need to protect him, Maggots! SUN TZU SAID, SAVE ANYONE WHO IS FROM LIVERPOOL!" roared the Soldier, as Paul desperately climbed up a tree in an attempt to escape.

" Help! I need somebody, Help!" yelled Paul, searching for John, George and Ringo. But he could not find them. They were somewhere else. The young man sighed and looked down. Wait- was that the RED Team Mercenaries that had saved them from a Payload bomb earlier during a concert?

Meanwhile, the Beatles sat at a private room in a restaurant, looking at another " Paul is dead" magazine, and laughing at how a lot of people believed it, how the record sales had increased due to their clues and how ridiculous the rumors were.

" Just look at this. MI5 made Faul to prevent this mass girl suicide. How crazy is that? I mean, can you imagine the entire girl population of Britain falling off building and jumping in front of cars?" whispered Ringo, shaking with laughter.

Lennon laughed. But George looked out of the window.

" Shouldn't Paul be here by now?" he asked.

Meanwhile, the RED Team ran towards a young Liverpudlian man who was getting attacked by a bunch of girls.

" HELP!" yelled Paul as he was nearly suffocated by a crowd of squealing girls. The RED Team pulled out their melee weapons and tried to attack, but they were attacked by angry girls. The Team retreated with bloody claw marks everywhere.

Suddenly, the girls were air blasted into the air. The Pyro stood, Flamethrower out and ready.

" Blimey." was all Paul could say before slipping into a coma.

Eventually, the Medic healed an unconscious Paul, who was suffering from shortness of breath, broken bones, a black eye and a concussion, while the Engineer called the Beatles using a Payphone.

" Hello? Yes, this is the Engineer. Paul's been attacked by fangirls. Is he safe? He's fine now."

Eventually, Paul was carried by the Heavy to the restaurant. The Beatles thanked the RED Team over and over, and asked them if the Pyro could become their bodyguard. The response?

" Ymph Pmmph!" ( YES PLEASE!)

Eventually, the Beatles became frequent visitors to the RED bases in various maps, often playing songs in order to give the mercenaries something to listen to during Respawn, waiting outside the Medic's room and, most importantly, to sooth the Mercenaries and to give them a glimpse of another world, where there was no fighting. Only peace. However, they had to be protected from the Soldier, who tried unsuccessfully to attack them occasionally.

(And, the Scout finally had some evidence to prove that the Pyro was a chick. However, they still had not been able to unmask the arsonist. Which brings us to... Attempt number 5)

Attempt Number 5:

2Fort, Respawn Room, June, 1968

" Mission begins in 60 Seconds."

" All you need is love..."

" Sssh, you four. Mission begins in 50 seconds."

Inside the Respawn Room, while All you Need is Love played, the Mercenaries stood with their weapons out. In front, the Scout stood with his Scattergun out. Next to him was the Soldier with his Rocket Launcher out. The Pyro had his Flamethrower in both hands, on the left of the Soldier. The Demoman stood at the back of the Pyro, Stickybomb Launcher out. On his right, the Heavy cuddled Sasha. Next to the Heavy was the Engineer, tapping his Wrench in his hands. The Medic stood healing the Heavy with his Quick Fix. The Sniper was on the left, with his Sniper Rifle out. And the Spy was on the Medic's right, disguised as the enemy Pyro, with his Revolver out.

Suddenly the doors opened. But instead of running out, the Scout grabbed the Pyro's mask and tried to pull it off, while shooting him with the Scattergun.

" Mmmmmmppphhhhh!"  
" Get it off! Aaaarrrrrggggh!"

The Scout was knocked back by the Scorch Shot's Execution taunt. He fell out of the wall and landed on a missile ready for launch. The Bostonian then exploded along with the missile after it blew up a part of the BLU Respawn Room. Then the Soldier siezed the Pyro's mask.

" MAGGOT! You are getting that mask off in the name of America!"  
" MMPPPPPPHHH!"

The Soldier fired rockets at the Pyro until the Pyro burnt a hole in his chest with the Flamethrower, spilling all his organs out onto the floor. The Soldier gulped and died.

MERASMUS the Magician appeared.

" Thank you, Fire Mage. Ye have saved thy from a terrible menace." he said, laying a hand on the Pyro's shoulder.

" TASTE THE AMERICAN SHOVEL, MAGGOT!" screeched the respawned Soldier.

" Ye shall pay!" roared the magician, as he turned his staff into a spiked mace.

The Soldier and MERASMUS engaged in hand to hand combat in a corner of the Respawn room.

The Demoman then laid Sticky Bombs round the Pyro, detonated them, and flew around the room, his hands on the Pyro's mask.

" THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!"  
" Mmmmmmmpppppphhhhhhh!"

The Demoman had his rear end set on fire. While the Scotsman was rolling around in agony, the Heavy grabbed the Pyro's mask. When that didn't work, he unloaded custom made bullets into the Pyro's mask.

" EAT LEAD TINY FIRE BUG!"  
" MMMMPPPPPPHHHH!"

The Pyro slammed it's Fire Axe into the Heavy's head. The Heavy dropped Sasha and fell on the floor.

The Engineer built a Level 3 Sentry,then attacked the Pyro with his Wrench while using his ungloved Gunslinger to try and pull of the mask.

" TAKE IT LIKE A MAN,SHORTY!"  
" MMMPPPPPPHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

The Engineer's Sentry got burnt and himself set on fire and air blasted around the room.

The Medic tried to attack the Pyro with his Bonesaw.  
" STOP HURTING MY TEAM, DUMMKOMPF!"  
" Mmmmmmpppppph!"

The Medic was knocked out of the small room with the Scorch Shot, and was locked outside when the Pyro barred the entrance with the Fire Axe. He was then burnt with the Flamethrower, before falling to the ground.

The Sniper tried to attack the Pyro with his rifle, and chop off his mask with the Kukri.

" TAKE THIS, W*****R!"  
" MMMMMMPPPPH!"

The Sniper was burnt and got his hand chopped off with the Fire Axe.

The Spy simply cloaked and ran away.

Meanwhile, the Pyro ran out, defending the Intelligence.

The rest of the team just gave up on the Pyro's gender, and ran out. Except for the Soldier, who had been turned into a skeleton with a Shovel, and Merasmus, who had turned into a midget version of himself with a snapped staff.

9:00, 2Fort, the battlements.

The Pyro got up and switched on the light. It had been a eventful day, ending with the REDs winning for the first time ever since their three defeats last week.  
He took off his mask and looked in the mirror. His red eyes and white skin were intact, and his cheeks and forehead still bore those huge red, ugly, scars that he had received as a Fireman for the British Columbia Fire Brigade,while rescuing several innocent tramps from an arson that had been caused by the local gangsters. The mob boss had slashed him on the cheek, and he, Dan, had accidentally tripped him over into the fire. Everyone thought he was a hero after that, but he was too injured to work again, due to his burns after the building exploded. He had saved everyone, though, except the gangsters.

He used to have the stereotypical emo hair, but Mann. Co had required him to cut it a little. So his hair was not as long as before, but it reached up to the top of his neck. And he had a bit of a fringe, but he could easily shake that out of his face.

The Pyro walked over to the battlements, and sat down with Lesley and the Scout's mom. Lesley was playing her guitar and the Scout's mom was smoking. She still looked healthy because she was smart enough to smoke only three Kensingtons a day.

" Hi there, Lesley!"  
" Hi, Dan!"  
" How's my boy doing? Is he capping or trying to dominate my boyfriend again?"  
" Both, Mrs. Rogers."  
" Good then."  
Dan Phoenix sat down, with his signature weapon, his Flamethrower, in his hands, and got ready to chat with two of the true friends he had. The others were all the friendly, happy, kind Firemen at the Brigade back in Canada.  
" I'm just worried about something."  
" Go on, tell us, I won' t tell Ricky. Or the others."  
" They tried to find out my gender today."  
He told them about their attempts. The two women ended up laughing.  
" My boyfriend thinks you're a girl?"  
" Yeah. How crazy is he?"  
" Crazy. He's just crazy. When he was 4 he thought Clark was Superman and tried to make him fly!"  
" Did it work?"  
" Ricky was grounded for seven weeks. Clark ended up in hospital after a tree fell on him. I prayed for him for ten days straight! He's OK now, just has to be in a wheelchair for the rest of his life."  
" Ouch." Dan winced.  
" I think you should reveal your identity to them. Maybe they'll accept you more." said Lesley, while playing More Gun on her guitar.  
" OK."  
" Good. Here's the plan..."

The next day...

The mercenaries were having breakfast when Lesley came in. Scout jumped up and kissed her deeply. Soldier chuckled.

" Nothing like seeing your girl every day, Private, eh?"

Lesley grinned, then her face turned serious.

" Guys, I have to tell you something. It's about the Pyro."

" Did you find out about his gender zhen?"

" Yeah. Just close your eyes and follow me. But finish your food first, y'all."

Later, Lesley lead the mercenaries to Pyro's room. Dan gave her a thumbs up, mask on.

" OK... 3...2...1... Open."

The mercenaries saw the Pyro take off his Optical Mask and dump it on a hook.

At first there was silence. Then an entire hurricane of compliments.

" Yo, you look frickin' handsome, dude!"

" ARE YOU AMERICAN? CANADIAN? OK, THAT'S 75% AMERICAN THEN. BUT STILL, WELCOME TO THE ARMY, SON."

" Ah. Ya look like you've been in an explosion. That's nothing though- wait till I tell ye about this!"

To the shock of everyone, the Demoman wiggled his butt.

" SEE? THAT BOMB CAUGHT ME RIGHT IN THE ARSE!"

The Pyro burst out laughing. It was a warm, friendly, laugh, full of humor and joy.

" SASHA SAY PYRO IS GOOD!"

" You're a nice fella, Pyro. You want to help me with mah Flame throwing Sentry?"

Dan nodded.

The Medic was jumping around like a five year old on sugar.

" ZIS IS EXCELLENT! YOU ARE AN ALBINO! I HAFF HEARD OF ZHEM BUT I HAFF NEVER SEEN ONE IN PERSON BEFORE! CAN I EXAMINE YOU, HERR PYRO?"

" OK then."

" DANKE! DANKE TWENTY THOUSAND TIMES..."

The Sniper offered his hand to Pyro.

" G'day. Guess I was right, mate, you are a bloke after all!"

Finally, the Spy came in.

" Ah, such an interesting look! You would make a good Spy, monsieur!"

" Why?"

" The French Secret Service likes Albinos because they can scare the enemy team! AHAHAHA!"

Dan laughed again. The mercenaries listened. He had the best laugh ever. It felt so warm and friendly.

" So, what do you want to do now, Dan?" asked Lesley.

" I've got something for you all... A good battle tactic..."

Later, in the afternoon, the eight members of the RED team stood on the battlements, signature weapons out. The Scout pumped his Scattergun, Soldier aimed his launcher, Demoman placed down Stickies, Heavy spun his gun twice, Engineer tapped his Wrench in his hands, Medic healed the Heavy via the Quick Fix, the Sniper scoped, and the Spy had his Knife ready.

The BLU Team, minus their Pyro, the BLU Scout's mom, who had gone shopping for the day looked up from the bridge. Where was their Pyro?

Then the Pyro jumped down.

The entire team screamed.

" MON DIEU! HE IS AN ALBINO. AAAAAAH!"

The RED mercs laughed as the Pyro cheerfully chased the enemy team round the battlefield with his Flamethrower out.

Then they ran off and the battle began. But this time, Heavy had a new battle cry.

" RUN! RUNNNNNNN! OUR PYRO IS COMING FOR YOUUUUUU!"

And suddenly, the Heavy turned to LOOK AT THE READER OF THE FANFICTION.

" EVEN YOU TOO, MR. LITTLE READER BABY MAN READING THIS VERY GOOD FANFICTION THAT SASHA APPROVES OF! PYRO WILL COME FOR YOU IF YOU DO ANYTHING BAAAAAAD!"


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8: Meet the Sandvich

DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN TEAM FORTRESS 2. VALVE DOES.

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING CHAPTER IS VERY BLOODY.

Badwater Basin, before Meet the Medic, June, 1968

The Heavy sat in the Medic's room, groaning in pain. When would the Medic come? He had a huge bomb in his chest now.

Inside the fridge, the BLU Spy, minus a body, smoked his Marlboro Cigarette, bored. When would someone come to rescue him?

Then he heard a noise. The Spy listened very carefully.

Outside….

" There he is!" yelled the BLU Scout, as he stepped into the room, Force A Nature in both hands.

" YOU! STOP RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE, THAT IS AN ORDER! HE'S GETTING AWAY, DO NOT LET HIM GET TO THE RE-" screamed the Soldier, poking the Heavy with his Original.

Too late. The Heavy had got up, and ran to the fridge, and grabbed the Sandvich. The door lay open so the Spy could see.

The two BLUS switched to their melee weapons for a fair fight. They had to kill the Heavy before he killed them!

" D- Don't do it pal!" stammered the Scout nervously.

" DO. NOT. DO IT!" yelled the Soldier, unafraid.

" NOM NOM NOM."

After eating the Sandvich, the bomb hole in the Heavy sealed up a bit. Then the Heavy strapped on his Killing Gloves of Boxing.

" Oohhhhhhhh, hell…" muttered the Soldier under his breath.

" H-h-hey, let's just calm down here! You listening? J-j-just- OH GOD!" yelled the incredibly scared Scout.

The Heavy was charging at them at full speed, chuckling. The Scout tried to stun him with his Sandman Baseball, but it missed and smashed a window.

" OH GOD. OH MY GOD. OH MY GO-"

The Heavy smashed both BLUS into the wall. Then he started punching them so hard, several beer bottles in the fridge fell over.

" AHAHAHAHA!" yelled the Heavy as he punched the two. That was what they got for nearly killing Sasha yesterday! That was what they got for filling her with lead, kicking and punching her, blowing her up and meleeing her so hard she nearly died! He remembered that terrible round on this map yesterday.

_The Heavy lay dead. As he was about to respawn, he saw a horrible sight. _

_The BLU Soldier and Scout were shooting Sasha._

_" NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he screamed. But he was powerless to do anything. _

_He watched in horror as they kicked and punched her, hit her with their melee weapons then tossed her into the Payload Pit as the cart fell in. _

The Scout's blood flew everywhere as the Heavy shattered his ribs so hard they stuck out of his chest. And started punching the Scout's veins.

" My blood! H-he punched out all my blood!" screamed the Scout, trying to hit the Heavy with his Sandman. The Heavy shrugged it off and punched the Scout's head, legs, arms, and then his groin.

" AAAARRRGH NONONONONOOOOOOOOO! STOP! PLEASE! STOP! I'M BEGGING YOU, STOP SMASHING MY PRIVATES!"

Then the Heavy ripped out the Scout's Privates.

" AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGH!"

" LEETLE BABY MAN MUST CHEW THEM LIKE SANDVICH!"

After stuffing the BLU Scout's privates into the Bostonian's mouth to shut him up, and making him eat them, the Heavy, boxing gloves crackling with crits, turned to the BLU Soldier, up to his boots in the Scout's blood, and wielding his Escape Plan.

" SCIENTISTS FROM THE FUTURE HAVE STUDIED YOUR HANDS FOR CEN-AAAARGH!"

The Soldier was attacked in the same treatment as the Scout, except it hurt 100 times more.

" Ow, ow ow ow ow! Ouch, ouch! Ahhh…" screamed the Soldier.

The Heavy then smashed the Soldier's spine.

" YOU CALL THAT BREAKING MY SPINE? YOU RED TEAM LADIES WOULDN'T KNOW HOW TO BREAK A SPINE IF-"

The Soldier's Spine snapped in half. The American fell to the ground so hard that blood splashed everywhere and another beer bottle fell out of the fridge.

" AUGHHH! MY SPINE!"

The Soldier screamed like a girl as the first part of his spine was pulled out- along with his head.

The Soldier's face exploded and eyeballs, helmet bits, flesh, and lip flew everywhere as the Heavy pulled out the spine with the skull still on.

Then the Heavy started smashing the nearly dead Scout with his new Bat Outta Hell.

" OH GOD NOOOOOO!"

Finally the Scout died. The Heavy then threw both of them out of the window.

" YOU WILL NOT HURT SASHA AGAIN!"

The next day, after gunning down people in Dustbowl, the Heavy stood on a rock and ate his Sandvich, grinning.

" NOM NOM NOM. SANDVICH, YOU ARE A LOOSE CANNON, BUT YOU ARE DAMN GOOD COP! HAHA!"

In the BLU Base, the BLU Medic was healing the BLU Soldier while the BLU Pyro, Scout's Mom, was yelling at her son.

" I TOLD YOU, DON'T USE YOUR BAT ALL THE TIME! USE YOUR PISTOL INSTEAD WHEN YOU ARE NEARLY DEAD!"

" SHUT UP"

" WHAT?"

The BLU Scout was spanked. With the Back Scratcher.

" Oh! Augh! GAAH! YAAH! OWOWOWOWW! AAARGH!"

( And that is the end to a very bloody chapter.)


	9. Chapter 9

Meet the Medic

Badwater Basin, June, 1968

A peaceful cliffside, with birds chirping, and the leaves on a tree moving in the breeze. There was nothing to bother them.

BOOM!

An explosion struck the cliff, sending trees and birds flying, as well as the RED Demoman and RED Scout.

" Move Cyclops, Move!" yelled the bandaged Scout, holding his Pretty Boy's Pocket Pistol, as the Demoman, bandaged and in a wheelchair with his Grenade Launcher, slid down the hill.

" C'mon, almost- aah!" yelled the Scout as he fell off the cliff. He helped himself up, and grabbed his Pocket Pistol as the Demoman kept on going.

Then the black eyed, bandaged, bleeding Scout, with his bag missing and his earpiece broken, looked up as rockets headed towards him.

" Whoa! What the-"

The Scout was flung into the air by the explosion.

"fuuuuuuuuu"

He smashed into the window of the Medic's office, breaking the glass and stunning a dove.

" Medic!"

The Scout slid off the window, as the Medic continued a story to the laughing RED Heavy, healing him with the Quick Fix while cutting him open with the Bonesaw. Three doves perched on the Quick Fix, watching, while a heart meter showed the Heavy's heart rate. The Syringe Gun stood on a cart of medical tools, a Battalion's Backup, Mad Milk, the Solemn Vow, the Medic's Mountain Cap, the Crusader's Crossbow, the Vintage Tyrolean and other hats and weapons stood on shelves. Vials, Flasks and Test Tubes full of chemicals stood on the table. A fridge smelling of cigarette smoke, Sandviches and Red Shed Beer stood near the operating table. Triple Glazed, Bulletproof Glass Cases full of body parts, skeletons, yellowed illustrations from books depicting evolution, dinosaurs, ghosts, outer space, animals, the human body, famous scientists, constellations, diseases and monsters, as well as real stuffed animals stood around the Medic's room. An X-Ray showed that there was a bomb stuck in the Heavy, and his beloved Sasha stood on a stretcher. The bomb, along with several other body bits, stood in a bucket. Miss Pauling, clipboard out and Big Kill in her pocket as usual, stood watching at a window, two floors up.

" and when the patient woke up, his skeleton was missing, and the doctor was never heard from again! Ahahahaha!"

" HA! HA! HA!" yelled the Heavy, thumping the table, despite the fact he was having open heart surgery.

" Anyway, zat's how I lost my medical license." sighed the Medic. The Heavy suddenly looked very concerned.

A dove flew inside the Heavy's chest, and started pecking.

" Archimedes, NO!" yelled the Medic, shooing his dove away.

" It's filthy in there!" he muttered.

" Birds, ha ha!" said the Medic, turning back to the Heavy, and taking his heart out,and placing it onto a circular device titled " Uberheart"

" Now, most hearts couldn't withstand this voltage, but I'm fairly certain yours will-" said the Medic, his smile turning into a frown as the Heavy's heart exploded, flew across the room and broke some glass, toppling Archimedes off the prototype Medigun.

" What was noise?" asked the Heavy, sitting up.

" The sound of progress, my friend." replied the Medic, staring dreamily upwards for a moment.

The Medic then opened the fridge. Inside was food, birdseed, Red Shed Scotch, Red Shed Beer, Red Shed Wine, Red Shed Sake, a Sandvich, three hearts, which were Texas Dancing Praire Dog, Loch Ness Hamster and Mega Baboon. There was also the Spy's Head, with an electric meter behind it, a cigarillo in the Spy's mouth, as well as the Conniver's Kunai, a Sapper powering the meter, an Ambassador and a ashtray. The Medic grabbed the Mega Baboon Heart.

" Kill me." said the BLU Spy.

" Later" replied the Medic.

The Medic then stood near the Heavy with the heart and device in hand.

" Where was I? Ah, there we go." said the Medic, as he jammed the Heart into the device.

The Medic held the heart in his hands as the heart started beating furiously.

" Come on, come on..." whispered the Medic as the heart started beating faster.

" Muhahahahahahahahahahaha!" laughed the Medic as the heart started flashing and glowing red.

" Ha. Ha." laughed the Heavy nervously his best friend nearly went crazy.

The Ubermeter's measure went to full. The Medic stopped laughing as he squinted and leaned away, expecting the heart to explode. A bloodstained Archimedes looked down, while the other two clean doves, Hippocrates and Socrates, shuffled away nervously.

Eventually, the heart stabilised, and stopped glowing. It was now a deep, jelly like red.

" Oh, that looks good. " said the Medic.

He then dropped the heart into the Heavy's open chest.

" Very nice there." complimented the Medic.

The Heavy looked at his new heart nervously.

" Should I be awake for this?" he asked.

" Well, no." laughed the Medic.

" But as long as you are, could you open your ribcage open for a bit?" he asked. The Heavy did as asked.

" I can't seem to-" grunted the Medic, as he attempted to shove the massive heart up the Heavy's ribcage.

" AARRGGH!"

" Oh, don't be such a baby." soothed the Medic as the Heavy stared in terror at his snapped rib.

" Ribs grow back!" he reassured the Heavy.

" No, they don't." he worriedly whispered to Archimedes.

Then the three doves flew away as the Medic swung his Quick Fix down from the perch, and the Heavy watched in amazement as it restored his skin and even sewed his clothing together.

The Heavy looked at the glowing red light in his chest, took a deep breath, and asked-

" What happens now?"

" Hmmm. Now, now, my fine friend." replied the Medic, putting his Syringe Gun in it's holster and taking his Bonesaw out.

" Let's go practice medicine."

The Medic got to his locker, put on his lab coat, gloves, placed his Bonesaw in his pocket, stuck on his Backpack, took out his Quick Fix and went out of the door, doves flying all around him. The Heavy arrived later, Sasha out.

He surveyed the battlefield. The scene was grim. The Engineer and Sniper were hiding behind a rock, the Pyro was racing away with his Scorch Shot, the Scout lay on the ground with an empty pistol, and the Demoman was racing towards him in a wheelchair.

" MEDIC!"

The Demoman yelled as the wheelchair exploded, and his Grenade Launcher was shattered. He flew to the ground, in a coma.

The Medic smiled, adjusted his glasses, then pointed his Quick Fix at the Demoman.

As the Quick Fix healed the Demoman, he tore off his bandages, grabbed his Stickybomb Launcher and headed into battle.

Then the Medic healed the Scout. The injured Bostonian got his bag back, wounds gone and his handsome looks restored to normal. He grabbed his Bat, ran and knocked out the Demoman's ex- friend, Jane Doe, who stumbled and dropped his Direct Hit as he was whacked in the face.

" OH YEAH!" yelled the Scout as he raced off to beat up another Soldier.

Then the Medic spotted something that he'd seen many times. It was an army of BLU Soldiers, now all wearing either the Lumbricus Lid, Armoured Authority, Frontline Field Recorder, Jumper's Jeepcap, Proof of Purchase and Stainless Pot, wielding Shotguns, Liberty Launchers, Beggar's Bazookas and Direct Hits.

" DOKTOR! ARE YOU SURE THIS WILL WORK?" yelled the Heavy.

" Ha Ha Ha. I HAVE NO IDEA!" shrieked the Medic gleefully. He flipped a switch on the Quick Fix saying " Ubercharge" as he healed the Heavy.

Suddenly the backpack lit up. The Heavy's heart began pumping in all it's might. The Heavy and Sasha turned a jelly like Red, and his eyes turned yellow.

" HAHAHAHAHA!"

The Engineer, wielding his Shotgun, and the Sniper, wielding his trademark Sniper Rifle, looked up in amazement as the Medic focused the healing beam on the Heavy, making him invincible.

" I AM BULLETPROOOOFFFF!" screamed the Heavy as Shotgun shells blasted their own owners, and rockets bounced off him, the reflected bullets. rockets and Sasha's bullets took out the whole army.

Suddenly the RED survivors picked up hope. If the Heavy and Medic could do it, they could do it too! They ran, attacking the BLU Soldiers as they went. The Scout caved in the skulls of any Soldier in his way. The Pyro knocked them back with the Scorch Shot. The Demoman blew them up with Sticky Bombs. The Engineer built a Level 3 Sentry behind a rock, and blasted the Soldiers at close range with his Shotgun. The Sniper headshotted every BLU Soldier at the back.

Eventually, the Medic and Heavy stood on top of the pile of Soldiers, the Medic stepping on an Armoured Authority. The Medic watched as the Scout killed any BLU Soldier in two shots from his Scattergun, as the Pyro knocked them back and set them on fire with his Scorch Shot, as the Demoman launched grenades and blew up the Soldiers, as the Heavy gunned down BLU Soldiers, as the Engineer killed the Soldiers with his Shotgun and as the Sniper defended himself with his Submachine Gun. The Medic smiled, and taunted with the Quick Fix as doves flew all around him.

Later, the mercenaries sat in the waiting room, and did their own things to pass the time while the Medic operated on the Scout. The Soldier stood at attention with his Rocket Launcher. The Pyro flicked a lighter with his Fire Axe leaning on the wall, while reading Saxton Hale's Mildly Thrilling Tales, which included a Jarate ad and comic at the back. The Demoman drunk from his Bottle, Stickybomb Launcher next to him. The Engineer played on his guitar, Wrench in his pocket. The Sniper was asleep and the Spy checked the time while flicking his Knife.

Then the door swung open. The Scout stood with his arms outstretched and Bat in hand, grinning.

" Ohohoho Man! You will not believe- how much this hurts!"

His grin turned into a frown as he heard a muffled coo in his chest.

" Archimedes?" asked the Medic from behind his door.

Later, after some more transplants and open heart surgery...

The Medic scolded Archimedes, then sent him to his locked birdcage, not his birdhouse, as a punishment.

" I HAVE TOLD YOU 1000 TIMES, DUMMKOPF, THAT YOU DO NOT FLY INTO ANYONE'S CHEST DURING OPEN HEART SURGERY!"

Later, all the mercenaries had their heart transplants done. The Pyro's, however, was done behind locked doors. The mercenaries did many methods of trying to find out the Pyro's gender. But that is another story...


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 7# True Adventures of the RED Team

TO THE REVIEWERS AND FOLLOWERS:

THANK YOU.

I was starting to think that no one cared, but you cheered me up.

Thank you for making me happier.

Meet the Demoman

June, Gravel Pit, 1968

The fireball from the BLU Pyro's Hadouken rolled down the corridor, chasing the running RED Demoman.

The Fireball was going to burn the Demoman anytime now. He knew what he had to do.

At the end of the corridor, he fired a grenade into the corner, and jumped on it.

The Demoman flew out of the corridor, with the Fireball exploding behind him, killing the BLU team inside.

2Fort, June, 1968

The Demoman sat in a room full of explosives, Scrumpy crates and Scottish things. He slammed down his 100th Bottle of Scrumpy, then put his two launchers out of the camera's view.

" What makes me a good Demoman?" he said?

" IF I WAS A BAD DEMOMAN, I WOULDN'T BE SITTING HERE, DISCUSSING IT WITH YOU NOW WOULD I?"

Earlier on Gravel Pit….

" LET'S DO IT!" roared the Demoman as the entire RED Team charged out.

The Demoman dodged the rockets from the BLU Soldier's Direct Hit as he ran past the point.

" Not one of ya's gonna survive this!" he yelled, dodging more rockets.

Back at 2Fort, the Demoman was getting slightly more drunk.

" ONE crossed wire, ONE pinch of Potassium chloride and KABLOOIE!" he yelled, gesturing with his Bottle.

On Gravel Pit again:

The Demoman spotted a BLU Pyro running towards the Scout.

The Demoman grimaced. He liked the Scout, especially because it brought back memories of himself as a kid, running around blowing up monsters, then getting recruited with the legendary monster-exploding Highland Demomen- and now this.

The Demoman snapped out of his memories and fired a grenade. It bounced off the wall and landed right on the Pyro's air tank.

KABOOM!

The BLU Pyro, or the BLU Scout's Mom, was turned into bits.

In his room, the Demoman started drinking from his Bottle.

As they were charging across the ground, the BLU Engineer whacked his Level 2 Sentry Gun with his Southern Hospitality, then switched to his Frontier Justice and started firing as the Sentry upgraded to Level 3.

A Frontier Justice shot hit the Scout in the chest. He screamed, and fell down. The Demoman backed away and looked at the Scout's corpse.

" Poor laddie. Dead and still hasn't married Lesley yet." he thought.

Back at his room, the Demoman continued drinking from his Bottle.

On Gravel Pit, he fired his four grenades at the Sentry Gun. It fired at the grenades- distracted- then was blown up, along with the BLU Engineer and his Dispenser, and the nearby BLU Scout who stopped spamming.

In his room, the Demoman slammed down his Bottle.

" And I got a manky eye. I'm a black, Scottish Cyclops!" he said drunkenly.

The Demoman waved his arms around, knocking a grenade off the table, where it slid out of the open door and blew up.

" The've got more fecking sea monsters in the great Lochett Ness than they got the likes of me." He sobbed.

He started to try and drink from the empty Bottle, then stopped.

" So...t'all you fine dandies, so proud! So cocksure!"

On Gravel Pit, the Demoman ran out to the Laser Tower, then saw a group of BLUS charging towards him. The Heavy was in front, wielding Natascha. Behind him was the Medic, with his Blutsauger ready. The Spy, Enforcer Out, and the Sniper, Hitman's Heatmaker ready, followed them. And finally, the BLU Soldier, the Demoman's ex best friend, was running at the rear, Shotgun in both hands.

The Demoman grinned and started running. The BLUS eagerly followed him.

" Prancin aboot with your heads full of eyeballs! Come and get me I say! "

The Demoman arrived at the end of the corridor. He grinned.

" I'll be waiting on ya with a whiff of the old brimstone…."

The Demoman finished launching Stickybombs and drank from his bottle as the six BLUS ran to the end of the corridor.

" I'm a grim bloody fable…."

The Heavy had a worried look on his face as he spotted the Stickybombs. Just as they were about to retreat, the Demoman saluted and detonated the bombs, blowing the BLUS into some very bloody bits.

" …..with an unhappy bloody end!"

The Demoman walked over, laughing, Bottle in hand as gibs and blood rained down from the sky to the BLU Soldier's head, who had his Shotgun stuck in his head and cracked helmet.

" OH THEY'LL HAVE TO GLUE YOU BACK TOGETHER- IN HALE!"


	11. Author's Note

**Hello.**

It's been a long time-a very long time-since I visited the TF2 Fanfiction Archive again. I was on a hiatus-I have not played TF2 for over 6 months.

But I am back now-I have resumed playing TF2. So, I shall update the Gravel Wars very soon, over the summer.

To my loyal readers:

I am sorry I did not update this for such a long time! I shall type up the rest of the Meet the Classes, the three battles against a Halloween boss, and of course, the Mann vs Machine trailer.

Thank you for being so devoted.

The Wild West Pyro

( PS: Oh, and if you want to find me on Steam, my name is, of course, The Wild West Pyro. And if you want to find me on deviantArt, my name is also The Wild West Pyro.)


	12. Chapter 11

NOTE: This story takes place during the Medieval Mode update. All hats included are the ones released during that update.

Soldier and Merasmus's apartment building in Granary, September, 1968

CRASH. BANG. WALLOP. CRUNCH. CREAK. CRACK. BIFF BIFF BIFF.

The mercenaries nervously sat in their locked bedrooms in the building mext to the apartment the two Soldiers had made themselves out of " 100% American materials" while John Doe, Jane Doe and Merasmus fought furiously in the other rooms.

A chair crashed through yet another crude window, a fridge toppled over, a roughly made cupboard was sent smashing to the ground and bits of sofas and tables flew into the air. Sheets of paper, books, scraps of spare clothing and several raccoons whirled around in a tornado. Blazing furniture lay on the ground. Occasionally bombs would bounce across the floor and explode, taking one or two walls with it. Lightning, magic sparkles and colored rays crashed into almost everything in sight, causing fires to rage, more explosions,creating holes in walls and making weapons fire magically.

The RED Soldier jumped up and blocked Merasmus's staff with his Shovel, pinning him to the ruins of the annihilated bathroom, while the BLU Soldier got up from the ruins of the table he was in and whacked Merasmus with his Escape Plan, as he dodged a stream of fireballs coming his way and hitting the shattered television, which immediately exploded for the tenth time.

" YE SHALL NOT REFUSE TO LET ME DESPOSIT NIGHTSOIL ON THE TOILET!"

" THAT IS AGAINST THE AMERICAN WAY, MAGGOT! RENT, BY THE ORDER OF PRESIDENT TEDDY ROOSEVELT, BLESS HIS ASSKICKING SOUL, WIZARDS CANNOT FOUL AMERICAN TOILETS! I WILL GET MY SHOVEL, KILL YOU, AND FIGHT YOUR FRIENDS! THEN YOUR FAMILY! THEN THE POLICE, THE FIREMEN, THE ARMY, THE PARAMEDICS AND FINALLY, THE HIPPIES! HA!"

"THERE IS NO SUCH LAW! RULE NO. 900 OF THE 1960s BIG BOOK OF WIZARDRY LAWS STATES THAT WIZARDS HAVE THE RIGHT TO EXCRETE WHERE THEY LIKE!"

" I WILL KAMIKAZE YOUR DISEASED, LIVER-SPOTTED, FLEA RIDDEN, WRINKLY, SAGGY ASS IF YOU DO NOT MOVE OUT OF OUR ALL-AMERICAN DOMAIN, YOU EUROPEAN!"

" EUROPEAN? ME!? LO, PREPARE FOR YOUR- HEY! DO NOT DESTROY THAT BOOK! IT IS MY OLDEST GRIMOIRE! I HAD IT FROM THE WIZARD-CON OF, DARN, I CANNOT REMEMBER, ER, THE MIDDLE AGES! IT WILL AUTOMATICALLY SEND ALL THE DEAD KNIGHTS IN THAT PERIOD TO SLAUGHTER YOUR HOMICIDAL BRAIN!"

" RUBBISH!"

The RED Soldier proceeded to rip out pages, smash the book on broken glass and chop it with his Shovel, while his brother got out his Original and fended off the skeleton knights.

" MY BEAUTIFUL YE OLDE BOOKE OF WITCHCRAFTE! YOU SHALL PAY!ABACADABRAWOOLAWOOLAWOOSHAZAMSHAZAMGIANTSIZECO MMENCE!"

Merasmus started to grow to giant size,but the Soldiers simply started firing rockets, hurling rubble, then both grabbing him, crashing through a window, and while they fell for 26 stories, and hit him with their melee weapons at the same time.

" UNHAND THE WIZARD!"

Eventually, the Soldiers landed in a tree, while Merasmus smashed his body into the three storey building of " All American Explosives" that the two brothers had made using paint, glue, nails, a sledgehammer and several planks of chipped and broken wood. Merasmus landed in a pile of fireworks.

The two brothers rocket jumped back up, then they hurled rubble, red bricks, concrete bricks, furniture and steel beams, tossed their grenades and fired rockets.

Just as the last rockets came, the building blew up, destroying everything nesr it.

Merasmus was buried under tons of rubble, crates, trees, trucks and burnt paper, until all that could be seen was his hand holding his nearly broken staff.

" ALL RIGHT YOU IDIOTS, YE SHALL ALL PAY!"

Meramus sent a huge burst of energy from his staff, sucking in the two soldiers and the rest of the team, as well as The Administrator, Miss Pauling and even Saxton Hale.

Degroot Keep, at an undetermined time in the Middle Ages.

The RED Demoman groaned and sat up.

They were inside a room with a wooden cupboard, a picture of the medieval Degroot family, torches, a small room and a staircase leading to the battlements.

The RED Demoman scanned the area. His teammates were lying down on the floor, or propped up on chairs in the corner.

He noticed several crates bearing the R.E.D logo in front of him. One of them had his name on it.

Inside, he found all his swords, the Chargin Targe, Splendid Screen and Ai Baba's Wee Booties, along with all his hats, and some new ones. There was a letter from Saxton Hale underneath.

" TO MR. TAVISH DEGROOT:

(G'DAY)/HELLO *Insert Swear Word and name here.*

FIRST, THIS IS ONE OF THOSE RARE TIMES I DO NOT USE MY ELECTRIC AUSTRALIUM-PLATED TYPEWRITER. I HAVE HAND WRITTEN THIS USING MY PERSONAL PENCIL I HAVE IN MY HAT, ON A PIECE OF ANIMAL SKIN PARCHMENT I RIPPED FROM A VICIOUS GOAT THAT I PERSONALLY EVISCERATED WITH MY BARE HANDS! AND THEN, I MADE A BROWN INSANE RAMPAGING COW HAVE INTERNAL BLEEDING, AND TURNED IT'S SKIN INTO COMBAT GLOVES!

AS YOU KNOW, THANKS TO THE SOLDIERS ANGERING MERASMUS, WHO IS NOW IN THE BADWATER BASIN HOSPITAL, WE ARE ALL NOW STUCK IN THE MIDDLE AGES, IN YOUR FAMILY'S CASTLE.

MERASMUS TIME TRAVELLED HERE EARLIER IN HIS WHEELCHAIR AND TOLD ME THAT THE CASTLE HAS BEEN ABANDONED, BECAUSE YOUR ANCESTORS HAD TO FLEE FROM BARBARIANS. HE HAS INSTALLED TEMPORARY CONTROL POINTS THERE. AND HEALTH KITS, PRIMITIVE RESPAWN MACHINES AND AMMO BOXES. OH, AND EVERY TIME YOU KILL SOMEONE WITH YOUR MELEE WEAPON OF CHOICE, THEY DROP A HEALTH KIT OUT OF THEIR MANLY GUTS.

AS THIS IS THE MIDDLE AGES, THERE ARE A FEW RULES.

1: MELEE WEAPONS ARE COMPULSORY!

2: YOU CAN USE SOME WEAPONS THAT ARE SUITABLE FOR THE TIME PERIOD, LIKE SHIELDS AND BUGLES AND CROCODILE SHIELDS.

3: HATS ARE ALLOWED. AS LONG AS THEY CAN PROTECT YOUR HEAD, AND FIT IN WITH THE MIDDLE AGES PERIOD. MISCS ARE NOT. MERASMUS SAYS MISCS ARE TOO CRAZY. (What FOOLISH MAGICAL IDIOT thinks that!?)

4: YOU HAVE NEW MEDIEVAL NAMES! PICK YOURS FROM THE LIST AT THE BOTTOM OF THE CRATE!

5: GEAR UP AND DEFEND YOUR ANCESTOR'S CASTLE!

NOW, THERE HAVE BEEN KILLER BEAR SIGHTINGS IN THE AREA. I WILL GO AND SAVE THOSE BUSTY BLONDE PEASANT MAIDENS FROM THEM!

SINCERLY,

SAXTON HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALE!

Two minutes later, Tavish Degroot stood up proudly, with Prince Tavish's Crown on his head, Ali Baba's Wee Booties on his feet, Splendid Screen on his arm, and Persian Persuader in his hands.

And ten minutes later, the rest of the mercenaries were locked and loaded as well.

Ricky Rogers had the Milkman on his head, Mad Milk (supplied by a goat in his backpack) in bottles, and his trusty Bat.

John Doe had a Chieftain's Challenge on his head, Buff Banner on his back, the brass Bugle on his belt and his WWII Shovel in his hand.

Dan Phoenix wore the Brigade Helm and had his normal Fire Axe in his hands.

The RED Boxer wore the Officer's Ushanka, had strapped on the Killing Gloves of Boxing and was now chomping on a Buffalo Steak Sandvich.

Mac Conagher had an Engineer's Cap, and had taken off his glove to use the ticking Gunslinger under it.

The RED Priest had the Berliner's Bucket Helm on, with the Crusader's Crossbow in his hands, and his Bonesaw on his belt.

Lawrence Mundy wore the Larrikin Robin with his Kukri on his belt, Darwin's Danger Shield on his back and the Huntsman in his hands, along with a quiver full ofarrows.

The RED Cutpurse, wearing the Magistrate's Mullet, had disguised as the BLU Pyro, cloaked with his Cloak and Dagger, and twirled his Knife.

Meanwhile, in the BLU Barbarian fort, Jane Doe stood at the crude wooden gate, studying the castle underneath his Tyrant's Helm, with a Buff Banner on his back and the green Equalizer pickaxe in his hand.

The BLU Runner had his Bonk Helm on, with two cans strapped to it, while he held the Sandman and baseball in both hands.

His mom, aka the BLU Flamewielder, was armed with the Back Scratcher and wore the Vintage Merryweather.

Hamish Deboot was armed with the classic Demoknight loadout- Chargin Targe on his arm, Eyelander in both hands and Wee Booties on his feet. A Glengarry Bonnet rested on his head.

The BLU Brawler simply had his Fists, and his Sandvich. He wore the Magnificent Mongolian.

Dell Conagher tapped his Southern Hospitality on his gloved Gunslinger, while the Hotrod sat on his nearly bald head.

The BLU Cleric had the Crusader's Crossbow, but had the Amputator hanging from his belt and wore the Prussian Pickelhaube.

The BLU Bowman had the Huntsman and Darwin's Danger Shield as well, but the Bushwacka hung from his belt instead of a Kukri. He wore the Master's Yellow Belt, stained with ages-old Jarate, around his head.

The BLU Rogue had the Knife too. He cloaked via his Invisibility Watch and disguised as the RED Sniper, while he wore the Frenchman's Beret.

Through a large foghorn, the Announcer counted down while looking at an hourglass, in the small room in the RED respawn room.

" 3. 2. 1."

" FREEEEEEDDOOOOOOOOM!"

"MAGGGGGOOOOOOOTS!"

The gates opened and both teams rushed out, Tavish leading them.

When he saw the BLU Team nearing, he charged. Using a rock as a ramp, he sped into the air, Persian Persuader blazing with crackling crits.

Unfortunately, Jane spotted him, grinned, and did his suicidal, but effective, Kamikaze taunt.

" I WILL TAKE YOU WITH ME, YOU ENGLISHMAN IN A DRESS! Also, nice tactic, son. See you at the local pub."

BOOM.

Bits of Swordsman and Warrior, along with their weapons and hats, were flung into the air as the two teams met, albeit without their leaders, at the green hill near the BLU Base.

The RED Outrider chucked Mad Milk into the crowd, then went to fight his best friend and rival, the BLU Runner.

" HEY MATT! BOOOOOOOONK!"

The Runner got a massive swing to the back of his head. He was badly wounded, but he chucked his baseball at his RED counterpart, stunning him. As Ricky ran around, Matt Ross did his Home Run taunt and sent Ricky crashing into a tree, interrupting Hale's wrestling match with two rabid bears while a pretty blonde maiden stood nearby, helping him by getting out her pitchfork and stabbing the bears.

" Not so tough now, are ya? ARE YAAAAA-Aaaaaaaaagh!"

The BLU Runner took an arrow to the back from close range, then was finished off with a single strike from the Archer's Kukri.

" You got blood on my knife, mate."

" G'day, mentlegen."

" AAAAAAAAAARRRGH!"

The BLU Rogue backstabbed the Archer, cloaked, and ran off, then bumped into the RED Fire Mage, aka Dan Phoenix.

" MMMPH MMMPH!"

The Rogue was promptly whacked by a critical Fire Axe swing and died.

Meanwhile, the RED Cutpurse had backstabbed the BLU Bowman, who was swinging his Bushwacka around wildly.

As the battle raged on, the RED Priest and BLU Cleric both spammed arrows, hitting enemies and healing allies. The RED Boxer crit-punched his BLU double, then was hit twice by the BLU Cleric's Amputator. However, the Priest saved his friend by slicing up the Cleric with his Bonesaw.

In a corner, the BLU Metalworker repeatedly hit his brother, but the RED Blacksmith eventually crit-punched him and sent him flying into the wooden fort, before dying of bleeding, while the Fire Mage was struck down by the Back Scratcher of the BLU Flamewielder.

And at the first control point, the RED Shovelman furiously fought with his friend, the BLU Blademaster.

" MAGGOT! Nice form."

The Shovel was critted, but the Blademaster had already collected 4 heads, charged the Shovelman, then sliced off his head as the Shovelman's body slammed onto the point.

" THE CONTROL POINT HAS BEEN CAPTURED!"

Soon, furious hand-to-hand combat on Point B started.

The RED Outrider got his revenge as he beat the Runner to death, sending his body sliding into the river.

The Shovelman did one crit swing, and the BLU Blademaster was sent flying into the river as well.

The Fire Mage sent the Flamewielder flying off the control point and into the river with a critical hit, while the RED Swordsman charged, sending the BLU Warrior, the BLU Brawler, the BLU Metalworker and the BLU Cleric tumbling into the river.

The BLU Bowman was headshotted and pinned to the wall by a lucky arrow from the RED Archer.

However, there were only five of the REDs left, as four were dead, and soon they were overrun by the BLU Team. Unfortunately, the Boxer had eaten his Steak Sandvich and soon six of the BLU Team were knocked into the river. Now only the BLU Blademaster and Brawler were left.

The Blademaster was sent crashing into a wall by a crit punch. The Boxer also managed to take out his nemesis before he could do his fatal Showdown taunt.

The Boxer was calmly eating his Steak before a Knife got him in the back.

" MENTLEGEN? YOU ARE MORBIDLY OBESE, FATTY!"

The BLU Rogue cackled in triumph as the rest of the BLU team rushed and captured the Control Point.

Back in the RED Spawn, while the Point was being captured, the RED Swordsman paced around nervously.

Then the RED Shovelman came up with a winning strategy.

Soon, when the BLU Team saw that the last point was empty, they all rushed onto it.

As soon as they got inside, the portcullis closed. They were trapped.

Instantly, once the portcullis hit the stone floor, the RED Team ran out of their hiding places in the spawn room and battlements, and another fierce battle began.

The BLU Runner tried to stun the RED Outrider, but he dodged the baseball, tossed Mad Milk at the Runner, and caved his skull in.

The RED Shovelman took enough damage to sound his bugle, giving the entire team's weapons crits and a beautiful golden glow. He whacked the BLU Blademaster as he approached, sending him crashing into a wall, where the Shovelman finished him off.

The RED Fire Mage dodged the swings from the BLU Flamewielder's Back Scratcher, and managed to kill her with a lucky critical hit, sending her flying off the Control Point and into the portcullis.

The RED Boxer crit punched the BLU Brawler, dominating him this time.

The RED Blacksmith punched his brother twice, then did his Organ Grinder taunt, turning the Metalworker into gibs.

The RED Priest spammed arrows, then killed the BLU Cleric as the latter did his Medieval Melody with a bolt and two swings from his Bonesaw.

Meanwhile, by accident, the Shovelman raised the Portcullis, letting the BLUs flood in.

The RED Archer let loose arrows at close range. By sheer luck, one of them hit the BLU Rogue. As the BLU Rogue cloaked again, the Archer whacked him with his Kukri, killing him.

The RED Cutpurse cleverly uncloaked behind the unaware BLU Bowman, then did his Fencing taunt, sending the Bowman sliding into the portcullis.

Finally, the RED Swordsman charged, knocking away the recently respawned BLU Runner, Flamewielder, Metalworker, Blademaster and Bowman. Later, he saw the BLU Warrior about to clear the point by Kamikazing. He charged, made the Warrior fly up, and hacked his head off.

"3. 2. 1. YOU WON."

The happy REDs went to massacre the BLUs.

Eventually, as the REDs and BLUs relaxed, Merasmus appeared.

" YE HAVE ALL DONE WELL-"

Then the old magician was tackled by his happy RED roommate.

" MERASMUS! THANK YOU FOR THIS WONDERFUL BATTLE, SON! YOU SHALL NOW HAVE THE PERIMISSION DEPOSIT WEIRD-SMELLING MAGIC SHI-"

" Ssh! Anyway, YE HAVE ALL DONE WELL. IN YOUR TIME, THIS CASTLE SHALL BE A TOURIST ATTRACTION. YOU WILL BE ALL BE ABLE TO RECREATE YOUR BATTLE IN THE PRESENT!"

A huge cheer went up from both sides.

" AND OF COURSE, YOU CAN WEAR MISCS NOW WHEN FIGHTING IN THIS GAME MODE I NAME...KNIGHTS...no...GAME OF CASTLES...no...Aha! MEDIEVAL MODE!"

The Mercenaries, Miss Pauling, Mr. Hale with several fresh bear and wolf corpses and The Administrator were sent cheering back to 1968.

And that is how Medieval Mode was born. All mercs can still visit the National Heritage Site in Scotland's Highlands, to fight and to train with their melee weapons.


End file.
